Playing Starfield - First Impressions of the game

Testing. Is it working? My fan sounded so loud. Uh, how do I share my stream? Oh my God, it's working! I have to do display capture instead of game capture. Yeah, I have the audio coming from the speakers. It probably sounds bad. Wait, how do I share others? Copy link. Oh wait, I need to get my headphones. Everyone's streaming now.

Paste.

Oh my God.

Cave-ins, lasers, and accidental dismemberment. Very helpful, thank you. Hey, you're gonna be fine. Your first outing was solid, and you know, let's be honest, it ain't exactly astrophysics. That's why I keep him around. Good pep talks. Yeah, and the fact that I can pinpoint a helium deposit from 300 meters.

Uh, hold on, if I enable the desktop audio It might echo.

I need to get my headphones. He's just a big baby. There are worse lives. You know, most of us didn't think we could make it this far. I have a good feeling about you. Group hug now or at the end of the shift? One of these days, Heller, I am going to make you laugh. Promises, promises.

Is my laptop fan really loud? I can't move. Oh, I can move now. It feels good already. It feels good. I don't really— there's nothing I can do about the fan. If I turn off the fan, then my computer's gonna melt. He looks like he's pissing. This game cost me $189. For the premium version and the premium upgrade. Wait, is there even desktop sound? Oops.

This one over here. Talbot, no! Ah, no, no, no, it's a laser, not a sledgehammer. Ease up, Benny. If you got paid for breaks, you'd be a millionaire. Let's go. Yeah, yeah, okay. What do we say, Dusty? You make your cut, you get your cut. No exceptions. Come on, pick it up. What's the yield? Minimal at this point. Occasional glimmer, but it's weak. What do you think? Stay the course? No, ma'am. Juice ain't worth the squeeze. Well, okay then. Let's call this one tapped. Why don't you move over to that big vein you looked at? Running through these veins pretty quick. Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, it's an RPG like Fallout. I don't want to play keyboard and mouse. My laptop's so hot, it hurts my left hand to rest my hand on the front bit of it. Even my keys on the keyboard are so hard to touch. I want to play with controller. Let's make a troller. Stupid laptop's so hot I can't touch it.

We'll be done here soon.

Wow, this is great gameplay. Mining rocks. This is like No Man's Sky. Feels just like No Man's Sky.

They're ready for us. Get back up here.

This game better be worth nearly $200.

Come on, it's time. You're with me.

I think I'll play a few hours and then I'll do my review. All the reviews out already? I just woke up an hour ago. Do I die if I jump in there? Oh wait, I'm stuck. Oh, I I thought I nearly got stuck.

Ella, get the readings. Yeah, about that. Okay, now you're starting to freak me out.

What did you pay, 200? I paid for premium upgrade. Which was £30, but it wouldn't let me play it. It said you're too early. And then I bought the digital premium version, which was £100, and then it let me play it. I thought I could play it for free because I got Xbox Gaming Pass.

Keep going. Do you see anything?

Is the stream video quality good? Because I put the bitrate to like 5,000. I want to use this as footage for my review. This game's so boring. In the beginning, you mine rocks. What do I do? Oh, I need to get gloves. My hand's getting burnt. Oh, the laptop!

Hey, come on, come on.

Okay, I think I can design my character now.

You were out cold. Uh, no physical damage. Mentally, the jury's still out. You know who you are? New recruit for Argos Extractors? Ring any bells? Any of this look familiar?

Okay, now I get to create my character. Finally. Okay, should I make a hot woman or should I make myself? There better not be nudity in this. There's no nudity, is there? Like on Cyberpunk? Should I make a woman? Oh my God, you can make the really fat hot woman, the fat Asian woman. This looks like my teacher. Walk style, it looks exactly the same. How's that different? Walk style 1, walk style 2. Skin tone, black. Hmm, so we can make her attractive. Oh my God, so many things to toggle. Oh my god, you can do everything. The teeth, you can make the teeth all black. I want to make a kawaii Japanese girl. She's so ugly right now. Jewelry, facial forms. This scrolling thing is weird. It doesn't move. You've got to click and— no, you've got to double-click on the bar. There's too many things to fiddle with. Can't you just randomize it? There's 40 presets. Looks worse than Tomoko.

No. No, no, no.

No, no, maybe this one looks like me. This one kind of looks like me. No, the profile looks weird. His nose kind of looks like my nose. I think this is the most attractive preset, but it needs a lot of work. Okay, the nose is too flat.

Where's the nose? Nose. No.

Maybe this one. Why is she ugly? Her eyes are okay, I think. Her jaw is kind of big. Why does she look old? Lipstick base. Uh, I don't know, let's choose a different preset. Maybe I'll get like a white girl. This one looks way better. She looks like a Mexican. This one looks like that Muslim girl I met in Manchester. Kind of dopey-eyed. I think that Mexican girl's— maybe this one. Her chin's too big. Maybe that. I don't like her eyes. Dermesthetic, what's that? Oh, her skin. Complexion blemishes.

Freckles.

Tattoos.

Jaw.

That smile. His smile looks so stupid. Mouth. Well, it's a Bethesda game. I don't think we can make an attractive woman. Bethesda seems to hate attractive women. Do you remember Skyrim? It was impossible to make an attractive woman. I— how do I change the eyes? Eyes. I like seven. She looks stupid. How do I change her hair?

Ah.

Why this one's balding? Maybe this one. Maybe the blonde one. I don't know, they all look ugly. Make an attractive man. I don't know if I want to be a man. Why? Look, she looks so ugly. It kind of looks like that Korean woman. This one looks— I don't know, her cheeks look weird. Look how stupid this guy looks. This looks like that woman, Persephone, that makes videos about me. They have weird chins, like really fat protruding chins. I think I'm not gonna care. Just pick anything. They all look stupid.

Why does this guy look like He looks like Hitler.

Maybe her. She looks okay. Her chin's too big. Chin, chin, chin.

Neck. Neck.

This game's rubbish. Can't even make a hot girl. 6.2 out of 10. Head shape. Fat chin. Number 4 looks— isn't it the same as number 1? Well, maybe number 7.

Ugly, ugly.

Number 9. Nah, number 1. These hairstyles are so bad. Maybe this one's the best. Uh, it looks like an old woman's hair.

Oh, gray.

The hairstyles look so bad. Maybe this one's okay. Her forehead's so big though. Forehead. Hair hairstyle. Hmm, I kind of like this one. The fringe is a bit short though. Ah, she's looking a bit better now. Yeah, I could smash that and not feel shame. Where's the nose? Her nose sticks up a bit too much. I can't get invested in the game unless I feel attracted to my character. The pink hair girl, I don't know, she looked too much— she had like too many pig features. Some people already look like pigs, like the Miss Piggy look. Oh my god, that smile! That smile's so weird. She looks not bad, but then she smiles and it looks really ugly. These lips are okay.

Number 9.

Her face looks kind of long though. It's like old woman's hair. Why is he gray? A head shape.

7.

7 or 1? I think 7 looks more feminine than 1. Don't like her cheeks. Why has she got an underbite? I think she looks okay now. How else can I make her better? Maybe her eye color. Not sure about blue. Oh, cheeks 1 and 2. What's that do? Oh, makeup. Dirt. The smile was so creepy. Feels so stupid. Uh, ears, nose. I think this one's a bit— No, it's not. No, yeah, this one. The hairstyle's really bad. Maybe they cut their own hair since they're in space. I make her— Ugh, that's too skinny. Why are her legs so wide? Her hips are so wide. Her legs look really short as well. Yeah, whatever. Starting skills: fitness, ballistics, or gastronomy.

What?

Oh, oh my God, there's so many different classes. Beast Hunter, Bouncer, Bounty Hunter, Chef— Chef Daniel? Combat Medic, Cyber Runner, Cyberneticist, Diplomat, Explorer, Gangster, Pilgrim, Professor, Ronin, They all have different perks. Oh, there's even more. Space Scoundrel, Soldier, Sculptor. No, you can't— I don't think you can change the hips. You can edit the face, but the body, you can only choose thin, heavy, or muscular. So a chef can do gastronomy, access to brand new worlds. Means access to brand new ingredients. Scavenging. I don't really know what I want to do in the game. I guess kill stuff. Oh my god, so many. Explorer. What would you pick? Weightlifting, piloting ballistic weapon systems, persuasion, security, research methods, geology, surveying, weightlifting, theft. I do like theft. I do like sneaking around and breaking into places and stealing stuff. So like a thief class. Cyber Runner, stealth. Oh, this is kind of like Cyberpunk. Is there hacking? Space scoundrel has pistols, piloting, persuasion. I don't know, soldier. Oh, I don't know. Fuck.

Professor.

Advanced technology is one thing, but it takes skill, patience. Geology sounds really boring. Industrialist. For hacking, security, commerce, persuasion, wellness. Kind of like Cyber Runner, you get stealth. And so do the other ones not get stealth or what? Yeah, stealth and theft and hacking. I kind of like that. Bounty Hunter.

No.

Bouncer, Boxing, Beast Hunter. Actually, I like Cyber Runner. I want to steal stuff. Or Ronin. Ronin has stealth as well, but it doesn't have theft. The megacorps stand as monuments to power. This sounds like Cyberpunk.

Maybe I can get Cyber Runner.

Yeah, I want Cyber Runner traits.

What?

What do these do? Dream Home. You own a luxurious, customizable house. You volunteer for a controversial experiment that combines alien-human DNA. You start with increased health and oxygen.

Extrovert.

You are a people person. Gain access to 3-star collective dialogue options. The Adoring Fan.

Introvert. Kid Stuff.

I don't know which one to go for. You own a luxurious house. I gotta pay a mortgage. I'll get the house and Special chest of items in the Sanctum Universum. Maybe this one. I don't know. Finish. Name. Stupid dumb bitch. I don't know. Uh, Jessica. What should I call it? Idiot to Hero. Bimbo Baggins.

You were one of the weirdest hires I've ever had. From hacking computers to digging for minerals. You're lucky our turnover rate is so high. Well, you got the sample. Client's on his way, then we all get paid. You remember anything that happened? Huh. Well, makes the paperwork easier, and we got what we were looking for. All this trouble for that stupid thing? Sure don't look like much. Never mind what it looks like. It's worth more than this mine has pulled in all month. We'll be— speak of the devil.

I need to get like a mouse to put on my laptop, which is burning my hand. I mean, I need to get like a pad. What did I say? A mouse? I mean, I need to get like a pad.

Contact is on approach. Wait, the Explorers Group? I thought they were kind of a joke.

Anyone else have this problem when they're playing on a laptop?

Whoa, hey, I'm just saying they got a reputation. Hell, I bet half the crew—

when you rest your left hand on the, on the laptop, it's really hot.

Yeah, come on, exploring space? Who does that anymore? Ain't the space we've already got complicated enough? Not to them, apparently.

Is it just me, or the game looks kind of flat? Like, it doesn't really look that amazing. You all right?

Need some coffee or something? Got a packet.

I can steal his sandwich.

Hey, that was my sandwich! Yeah, I'm glad when we're off this rock.

Lynn sure seems to like you.

Guess she would know, being the boss and all.

It kind of feels like Fallout, like you can tell it's a Bethesda game. Something about it.

Put your helmet on. How can I make her naked?

Wow, it's so bland looking. It's all just brown.

This has been a good run.

This is like coming out of the vault in Fallout. Oh, you can go in third person.

Crazy, like a discovery class. Client is here. Let's go.

Thank you.

Barrett?

Wait, I want to plug in my controller. It's burning my hand.

Been a long time. Yes, it has. That mine on Bendy, right? Kazal. Hellhole like this place. Rare mineral contract. Your tastes are a bit more sophisticated now, huh? So you found—

ah, they spit on me.

Right here. The new girl found it. That right? And everything went cool? Just like grabbing those minerals on Bendy? Kazal, a low baron, not cool. She passed out after he Extraction. Doesn't even remember what happened. Is that right? Went on a trip, huh? That fun, huh? Not the most gentle push into the great mysteries of space, but hey, been there. Look, just hand over the credits and I'll be happy to never see this thing or you ever again. That's why I like you, Lynn. All business. Barrett, the scanners on the frontier are reporting a ship coming in hot from orbit. I really thought I lost them. Barrett. Hold a Points.

Okay, how do I change weapon?

Let's do this! Things aren't looking good for you! My eyes! My eyes! Ah! Pirates! Keep your head down! Did you see Lynn? Ran straight at those pirates like it was nothing.

Oh, I can shoot the bodies. How do I crouch? Can I make them naked? Or can I drag them around? I like when you can drag the bodies around.

Can't believe the Crimson Fleet hit us.

I can pickpocket him. You can't hear my audio?

Good.

What do you mean, the game's too loud? The combat was okay, I guess. It felt smooth. Why can't I steal the clothing?

Oh.

Do their legs come off? Imagine the glass cracks if you shot their face. That would be a good little detail.

Of course, Baron. That was some fine work under pressure. You dug up the artifact, right? You're coming with me to come. Nothing wrong with honesty. Oh no. All right, I guess I did just put you all on the Crimson Fleet hit list. How about—

how's the game so far?

As soon as she touched them. Fine.

It feels good, like the movement and the shooting, it feels pretty smooth.

Just go before I say something. Well, let's go. Indigo again. Oh, and hey, take—

wow, I got a watch.

Hey, look at that.

Should I ask him all these questions?

Come on, you're really not? Because if you didn't notice, the way I see it constantly, technically it's not even. Vasco will keep you on course. See, that's the problem. While everyone else is busy playing without us.

Oh yeah, I'm not going to school today. School starts in 10 minutes. Skipping school to play Starfield.

That, my friend, they're just following the loop.

Blah blah blah, come on.

And Vosko, get that artifact to Constantine.

This guy's just dying. What's he doing?

Oh God, I'm gonna throw up.

Can I kill them all? The thing I don't like about Bethesda games is you can just kill everyone and then it ruins the game, but it's so tempting to just kill everyone and steal everything.

Just up the ramp, Captain. I'll be in the external robotics bay. It appears you are the new captain of the Frontier.

Okay.

Captain, I assume you know How to fly a Class A starship. As Barrett likes to say, it's as easy as learning to ride a bike.

Salami and cheese sandwich. Actually, I really want a grilled cheese sandwich. Kind of craving for toast— toasted cheese sandwich.

Shields ready. The rest is up to you.

I hate how long it takes to get into the main meat of games. The intro part of games takes so long.

Now that we are in orbit, it might be wise to test all Controls and systems to ensure they are not on the verge of catastrophic failure. I can step you through the entire process, or if you're already an experienced pilot, just power up all the systems.

It's like No Man's Sky. What do I do? Oh, it's like faster than light. You manage the systems.

On a ship requires power. Allocating power is under your direct control. Let's go over the engines. Engines control our maximum speed. Try increasing and decreasing our relative velocity. A ship's engine has a sweet spot for better handling during turns. Draw your attention to the HUD. You'll notice a speed indicator in the lower left with a gauge that goes up and down as you adjust the throttle. Try to center the gauge so that it lines up with the center of the vertical bars to its right.

Oops.

can be engaged for temporary bursts of speed. Let's turn our attention to the shields. Try adjusting power to the shields. Notice more power increases their strength. Shields protect the ship from hull damage. Without a hull, I'll be vaporized. Shield health is displayed in the lower right. Hull damage is below it.

Worth 200? I don't know yet. This game better gave me some views. You've proven and I need like 70-80k views. Oh my god!

The fleet ship is bringing its weapons to bear. We will need to disable their shields. Laser-based weaponry is particularly effective. If you can keep the enemy ship centered on the HUD, we can lock in to fire a homing Missile. The enemy shields are down, Captain. Ballistic weaponry excelled.

I don't have any missiles. I used them.

Shields are offline. Grab drive out. Let's end this.

How do I slow down?

Congratulations on surviving. Oh, oh, I get it. We should search the wreckage for spare parts and other—

I heard you can board the enemy ships.

Fly close to it before we can access the remains.

How do I loot it? This is like No Man's Sky. You get metal and stuff.

Two more Crimson Fleet ships are jumping into our location, Captain.

Ah.

They keep flying past me. You've already lost! I think so.

Space combat's kind of boring. Oh, I have another gun on left trigger.

Just give up! Never mind, Beast.

I never really liked space combat.

At this rate, the odds of continual assault from their ships are high enough to jeopardize our mission. In short, they are after the Frontier and will not stop. We will need to deal with them. A local Crimson Fleet captain. A recent scan indicates an abandoned facility on the nearby moon of Crete. A perfect staging area for pirates. We have arrived in orbit. The abandoned facility with our Crimson Fleet captain is on the surface. I'll follow you from here on out, Captain.

I don't like all the loading screens. In No Man's Sky, you just get in and take off, fly into space.

According to the scanners, not very good research facility is in this direction.

How come No Man's Sky can do that but Bethesda can't? Okay, what do I do? Why does the game look bad? Are my graphics low or something? Graphics. Oh, it's on low. Put it on ultra. Why was it on low? It still looks kind of bland. Bland, boring, uninspired. Lacking in lustre. As an avid fan of Fallout and Skyrim, Which I never played. I knew I just had to play this game. The frame rate seems really low. Maybe that's why it was on low graphics. You saying my computer's not good enough? It's a £2,000 MS— I mean, Razer Blade Gaming Pro laptop.

Be careful, Captain. Alien creatures are often unpredictable.

It's so laggy now. Hey, maybe I'll put it back down to low.

Who's Tim K?

What does he do live? I can't believe I can't play on ultra. Oh yeah, it's way smoother now. Turn off motion.

How?

Oh, motion blur off. I like how there's gravity. Oh my God, I can't believe I paid $189 for this.

Curious, these are United Colonies markings, but we are in Freestar Collective space. It then stands to reason that this was once a secret UC—

It's like a bland, dull version of Cyberpunk. It's like Cyberpunk without all the cool stuff. It is a bland, boring, and dull imitation of Cyberpunk. Imagine Cyberpunk but without the music and the style and the cybernetics.

Warning, enemy activity detected.

Oh, enemies.

Gonna take you down!

Where's my axe?

You're gonna pay for that! Another successful hit. The Terror Morphine's loose! I repeat, the Terror Morphine's loose! Do not engage! If you can reach it, you'll burn alive! Oh man, that was the best! Classic United Colonies. Put something in a cave until it kills you. One more time! I'm not sure why. It seems the enemy has vanished. Someone's trying to jump off. Hold them off here while Broken sets up on the roof.

I'm on it.

No one's getting through. I doubt the enemy will return. Let's end this. Wait, what was that? Let's get out of here! We are not— Where's my health bar? Please avoid getting shot. You might die. It's loose! The Terramorph is loose! We can't stop it! When we tried to sync with the neural control interface, it just completely flipped out. Broke through its containment chamber like it was made out of paper. It killed Michaelson, Cobb, and Sumatri in all of 1 minute. I'm not even sure where it is now. It took off deeper into the facility. A security detail went in after it, but good friggin' luck! When I know it's safe, I'm going to make a run for the comm relay, try to— Call in the cavalry. This is Hayden Nguyen, lead xenobiologist, wishing he had gone to dentist school like his parents wanted. You're dead. We're all dead. The comms relay has been trashed. The whole room was in trash. We can't call for help. I can hear the Terramorph roaring somewhere. And more people screaming. You gotta be kidding me. The Frontier has a new captain? You working with Barrett, or did you pry the ship keys out of his— We don't have a problem with Barrett. We want that ship, the Frontier. If you're the captain of it now, that means we're after you. Oh, this will be fun. Protocol Indigo dictates that— I do not think— There's some more up there!

Goddamn it! Terrible.

Fire's over our heads! Go! Let's get out of here! We're prioritizing our guests over your own circuit. It's a shame exploration requires so much lunch.

Speaking!

Come on! You were trying to kill me, but I am not technically alive.

Damage registered.

We should now be free to breathe. Without Crimson Fleet interference. We need to reach the Alpha Centauri system, Captain. The planet of Jemison. Carrying objects is one of my simplest and most useful. Captain, to reach the Lodge, we must jump to the planet Jemison in the Alpha Centauri system and then land in the city of New Atlantis. Do not worry, this will all become second nature before too long. Oh, good morning. Good morning.

My review so far, don't know, kind of boring. Wasted my money. It's like No Man's Sky and Cyberpunk, but worse than both of those games.

Starship Frontier, this is United Colonies Security. Maintain course and prepare to be scanned. Scan complete. No contraband detected. You are cleared for landing at New Atlanta.

6.2 out of 10.

What? No Barry? Let me guess, protocol Indigo again. And here's your new captain. My crew can take a look at your ship, and you can stop by to trade authority key. Okay, sure, we'll take— I would try to view Everything looks good here. I'll be at my booth if you need me.

How much money do I have?

1,700.

Why does the game look rubbish? It's just kind of bland.

I can assure you this unprovoked attack on a United Colonies research facility will not go unanswered. We'll get you settled into your new assignments as soon as possible. For you, Bobby, that includes meeting your new foster parent. My parents aren't dead. They just took a different shuttle. I'll see them when they get here. Oh well, of course, that's sure possible. Uh, we'll just, uh, we'll just— Helena Chambers, ID SSCOM. You will be scanned as you enter the city. The well's been having brownouts all the Time. Mast finally sent someone down there, but nothing's changed.

Everything's so stiff.

I am—

yeah, it feels weird.

Well, hello. You here about the job by any chance? The office— part-time security officer. We've had some gaps in the schedule, so really we just need— well, uh, oh yeah, and I'm the CEO of Galbank. Look, I can appreciate a wiseass. But if I catch you lying for real, we're going to have a problem. Well, I— your first assignment couldn't be— There was a package left at his— Well, just because you're bringing it here doesn't— And that's where it'll end up. As for why, you can ask Aegis. As far as I'm concerned, it's none of my business. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm really rather busy. Yeah, been up there, huh? Space must be cool. I never get to go to space. I used— saw your ship come in. Nice ride.

Another day.

I desire no company. Leave. It's my shift. You don't need to wear your helmet in here. You know that, right? Evening, ma'am.

Good evening.

Testing my paint. Yes, give it back!

No. Hey there. Hello.

How's the investigation going? Take care.

Boring.

Boring.

I can't believe this cost me $200. Oishi.

I have a feeling today's going to be a great day.

Don't you agree?

No. It's gonna be shit. The water is quite aesthetically pleasing, or so Barrett has told me. New Atlantis relies on advanced hydroelectrics for most of its power.

Ugh.

Welcome to M.A.S.T. If you have an appointment, you may proceed inside. Yes? What? Mr. Qiu, the fewer people there are thinking about— I'm the acting— I oversee all— Ah, right. I shouldn't, but I always— In any case, let— So I'd like someone from— take the package back to Sergeant Yu.

Okay.

Oh, you really? Our main priority. We keep an eye on them. You get used to it after a while. Think of it this way. Of course, as I mentioned, pick up the package. It's been a pleasure.

Excuse me?

Howdy.

Howdy.

Hello. Oh, a backlog of medical claims. It is surprising how many people need— I really do. No group has done more for humanity keeping our citizens. It is my pleasure to attempt to steer this lumbering bureaucracy towards My background's in medicine. Stay healthy.

She's so boring.

Oh my God, the Lion Medical needs those samples.

Never should have trusted that shipping company.

The things we do here. We didn't get where we are by sitting on our laurels. Our laurels, in fact, became uninhabitable a long time ago. Helps to remember that. There are so many different groups across the Settled Systems, it's hard to keep up with all the work they're doing.

If I steal stuff, they'll get mad. Can I steal this? I'll save it. No one saw. Oh wow, thanks, KamiGami. Uh, yeah, I guess so. For $2, I'll give you roll. Uh, where do I go?

I hope you're not here to report something. No, every agent who joined— I have, of course. We'll be seeing you.

I could steal his money. Oh, should I steal his money? 56% chance. It's got 800 credits.

Save it.

Oh wow, another $2. Thanks. Steal his credits.

Hey, get that back! Stop, in the name of the law! UC security, don't make any sudden moves.

Blow it up. I don't want to kill everyone, but I want to steal their stuff.

Pickpocket, stop!

Ah, he keeps saying that. Seeing me do it. For five more dollars, can I get mod? Maybe one hundred dollars. I'll give you green. Green membership.

I'm afraid I'm not at liberty. Keep your eyes open.

Oh, I did it! He didn't notice. Idiot. I stole his money. Save it. I steal his cartridge. Oh, he didn't notice.

Idiot.

Am I liking the game? It seems okay. It's not very exciting yet.

Not enough data. I can't file a report just based—

My laptop's not powerful enough to play on good graphics. What do I do?

You are, of course, welcome at any time here at Mast, same as anyone. Just be aware that you are being monitored.

Speak to Agent Plato. I already spoke to him.

The fewer people there are thinking about Aegis on a daily basis, the easier my job is. Of course, as I mentioned before, pick up the package.

Oh, I gotta pick up the package.

We think non-UC affiliate. Normally we just burn, so we're going to need We'll be seeing you.

Where is it?

I don't understand. Pardon?

Is she trading stocks? What happened to your old PC? I don't remember. I think Chihiro sold it when I was cheating on her, and then I bought a second one, but I forgot what happened to it.

I hope you're not here to report something.

But those were less powerful than the one I have now.

You are, of course, Of course, welcome at any time. We're the intelligence arm of the United Colonies. Think of it this way. Of course, as I mentioned before, pick up the package, deliver it.

Where's the package?

Oh. Take the Nat to the spaceport. There should be a GalBank 80. The package is taped up. Good luck with the mission.

I stole his money. Okay, retrieve the package. These outside areas look really bland compared to Cyberpunk. It just looks really bland. Did I download latest NVIDIA drivers?

No.

Look, the whole place just looks so empty.

What's that? Oh, uh— Hello. Still have questions? Nicely done. That being said, we've gotten a lot of new personnel. Who knew all I had to do was put— Well? Anyway.

I think even if you put the graphics to ultra, it would still look kind of bland. Look, I put it to ultra. Oh my god, it's so laggy. No, it looks the same. It's just laggy. Oh my God, it's so laggy. This is not playable. I've got like 10 FPS.

Here we are, the lodge. The front door should unlock if you hold up the watch that Barrett gave you. I have messaged the other members of Constellation. They Captain, everyone will be in the library, just inside. If Barrett were here— We appear to have a visitor. Welcome to Constellation. We have a lot— Would you care to tell us what happened to our—

I see.

Bosco. All statements made have been factual. This is just typical. Barrett hands over our ship and our room.

Walter.

And if we hadn't insisted on it— But that didn't happen. Thank you, but what happened when— Interesting. Similar to— Are you hearing this?

Do you all believe me now?

Whether it happened or not wasn't in doubt. But honestly, Godfrey, if you expect us to believe in fairy tales—

If this is the greatest mystery in the universe, why couldn't it be part of the ultimate mystery?

But gentlemen, can we please focus? Noel, I think it's time we tested your theory. Right, let's see. We know the artifacts react to each other. The pieces we already have move when they're in close contact. Now, if we add this new one to the two we already have, the artifact—if you could place it on the table here—that's it. Just like the others.

And to imagine, we thought there were only two of them in.

Oh my God, that's it! They're reacting! Look at how it's coming together! That energy that's arcing between them— no manufactured material in the Settled Systems can do that. None of them. This proves that— Easy, girl. Breathe. You'll have a hunt attack. She's not the only one. If they're coming together, That means there's a set built by an intelligence outside the Settled Systems. Still 2,000 credits for our little wager, isn't that right? You're on, Walter. Well, what if we had all the answers? It wouldn't be—

The camera's not on now, would it?

Not to take away from the moment, but what are we going to do about our new friend here? So, are you ready to get to work?

It's not on. It's on.

Exploration is the life you want to lead in this universe of ours.

The camera's not on.

It's outside the settled system. Delta 1000, Delta 1000. What am I going to do with my life?

Is the game sound too loud?

Uh, is there something wrong?

Is the game sound too loud? Oh no. Wow, there's like a 10-second delay.

You should take some time to get settled. Come find me when you're— and here, I think you've earned something for bringing the artifacts to us. In addition to credits, why don't we set you up with a backpack with some—

Okay, see what the leveling system's like. Oh wow, combat, science, tech, hack advanced locks. Maybe I get that. Oh my God, there's loads of skills. Dueling, ballistics, lasers, pistol, shotgun, social. 10% greater chance to pickpocket successfully. I do like stealing. Oh, I can get cooking. I've got 3 skill points. Physical. Increase my stealth. Boost pack training. I need this to use boost packs. Should I level up theft or get something else?

Persuasion.

I get rank 2 theft. Oh, I can't.

What?

Oh, I need to do the challenge. Pickpocket 5 times.

But we need to be as objective as possible and be aware of possible negative— Turn. We're going to be doing. That means people. I've been letting my contact felt the same way when I started, but it's not just that. I'm going to be sticky. We'll need to head to Mast, check and listen. Every member of Constellate.

So long.

I hope you.

Come on, what happened to him?

With the quarters available to you.

Clip this. Starfield, unfinished, glitch-ridden piece of rubbish. Why is he glitched? This game is full of bugs and glitches. 2 out of 10.

I am at your service, Captain.

What's he doing?

I hope you are satisfied with the quarters available to you. My wife has therefore decided it is best if I can get— Yeah, what is it? Ready to head out then? Okay then, we'll need to Head to mast and listen. Every member of Const— those are the rules. Now let's you and I get over to mast.

Why did she say mast? It's mast.

I am at your service, Captain. Uh, what do I do?

Sarah's contact.

I think it's crashed.

Oh my God, it's frozen! Oh, it's okay. I thought it crashed.

We have company. Good day, ma'am. You too.

What? How'd you do this? There's only one hole and 3 things to put inside of it.

Sarah, another space explorer. All right, all right, it's a game. We— here's what I got. The Sol system. He's Martian. Word is he's got some Soul system is a lot. You mean hitting the bar? Hey, nothing wrong with a little. I'm serious about that recruit.

Should I join the Vanguard?

Hey, Sarah. Well, all right. Take the elevator down to the Vanguard Orientation Hall. You can get started there, and if you've got any— He's so ugly.

Uh, where do I go?

Registration accepted. You may now proceed through the historical displays in the orientation hall or continue on to the examination hall.

Ah, the end of Earth.

What happened to Earth? Our nation, the United Colonies, strove to provide all their citizens with opportunity, security, and peace. But there were those among the UC that still wanted something more— independence. So in 2161, the UC issued the Centaurus Proclamation, granting UC citizens the right to settle distant worlds and form their own sovereign powers.

It wasn't long before the first new faction, the Freestar Collective, was formally organized into I can't believe when this actually happens for real in like 100 years' time, that Elon Musk is gonna be the guy who, who was like the main driving force behind it. It just seems kind of weird. Wow, look, Wikipedia page. History of the Nerion War.

Of the many conflicts between the galaxy's factions, none was more brutal than the recent colony war between the U.S.

How's this game on Steam Deck? Collective. Uh, I don't have the Steam Deck anymore. It was too big to put in my backpack.

Colonization of Vesta's Pride in 2308.

Probably pretty bad on Steam Deck. I have to play on low settings, and I've got an RTX 3060. Oh look, Armored Core.

The scales finally tipped. The Freestar Collective, utilizing their civilian fleet—

Do you think the future is going to be like this?

Successfully crippled the superior United Nations Navy. After their shocking victory against the galaxy's greatest navy, the Freestar Collective offered terms of peace, which the colonies, out of an interest in staving off any further human costs, Accepted. The galaxy has been rebuilding ever since. The Colony War was a horrible conflict that irreparably wounded the Settled Systems. There were times I felt that it would never end. Been a long time since I've been to Mars. Sol system doesn't get a lot of traffic.

Bye for now.

Sidonia is an industrial town. The people— no, it's fine.

You made food? I'm hungry. Breakfast time. Stupid iPhone! Took a screenshot by accident. Are you single?

Exploration is my entire. That being said, before I graduate, we called ourselves Ironic Comet. And before you ask, the band never really went in. You mean apart from being the chair of Constellation? Well, let's see. I pride myself. And as far as plan, I'll be here.

Talk to you later. Okay. We still have fish. Oh, this game's boring. When's it gonna get fun?

You know it was some UC general that condemned Londinium, gave it over to these things. One of these murals said he was executed after the war. Might have gotten off too light. Staring at it, a real Terramorph. All four of my last science papers have been on Terra Wars.

Can't believe this game cost me two hundred dollars.

Oh my God! Oh my God! By the way, Sergeant Yumi was.

Yumi's a girl's name. This game better be good. Where do I go now?

This thing's like an artist's rendition.

Uh, where do I go? Oh, I have to go for an exam? Hungry. Stomach's rumbling. Proceed to the Vanguard exam. A fast travel.

What? Bimbo baguette. It's good to be back on board.

Why is it taking me here? Exit.

A diplomatic visa? You've got to be kidding.

Why this way? Kill him.

Scanned as you enter the city, please. Security scanners, chemical sniffers. United Colonies.

Why is there a loading screen when you enter a building? Rubbish.

Ah, if it isn't my favorite. It's a lot of work. Well, sick. Yep, security on site handled. Problem is good. Back to work.

Am I missing pot noodle? Yeah, I'd love to have a pot noodle.

Contrary to what you might have thought, Savaloy's sausages are good people, and Sergeant Yumi just happens to be an old friend. Ah, I've always liked that statue. It's beautiful, isn't it?

There's too many loading screens. Cyberpunk didn't have any loading screens. No Man's Sky didn't have a loading screen. You can go from planet surface to space and there's no loading screens. Poor game design. Why does it load just to go from one part of the planet to the other?

How do I boost?

I don't think I have it.

Oishi, oishi.

Why are there always Japanese stuff everywhere? Video game developers are obsessed with Japan. It fast traveled me out of the place I needed to be in.

Humanity learned the Earth's magnetosphere would collapse sometime in the next half century, eliminating all life on the planet. Decisive action was required, but the secure transport of an entire civilization would demand a new A new kind of cooperation, a new kind of courage, and a new kind of union. Thus, in 2159, the United Colonies were formed to make that journey possible. Just one year later, the Galileo, the first of many colony ships, touched down here on Jemison. Beginning a new era of human history. Beginning in 2240, House Varun forces declared all-out war on the rest of human civilization, initiating the Serpent. Humans are stupid.

They spread out into the galaxy just so they can kill each other.

Thousands of Freestar, UC— what's the point? And independent souls were killed by agents of House Varun.

The only thing that's gonna happen if humanity becomes interstellar is we're just gonna kill each other all over the universe. Right now there's nothing killing each other in space. I think humans should just stay on Earth.

I really hope that the—

Because we'll just bring death and destruction if we get into space. Maybe I'm anti-human, although this is kind of cool.

Welcome, applicant, to the piloting simulation chamber. I've spent a fair bit of time in simulators just like these. They're startlingly realistic. Have fun.

I hate flying.

This is the Mark 18 flight simulation chamber, applicant, currently in orbit around a high-detail recreation of a remote world. When you're ready to begin, please take a seat in the pilot's chair. Your exam is simple: defeat as many tiers of opponents as you can before your ship is disabled. You must defeat at least three tiers of opponents to pass the exam.

Good hunting, applicant.

Tier targets active. All targets eliminated. Progress recorded. Tier 1 reached. Initiating Tier 2.

Am I gonna make a video about it? Yep, gonna do— I think after I finish the stream I'll do a do not buy. Why I hate? Why regret? Why I was wrong? Why I'm gay? Why I cheated on Starfield? Starfield kicked me out. Hello, repair.

Press.

Press right stick.

I'm pressing it. Progress recorded. Tier 2 reached. Initiating Tier 3.

Go for max shield, zero engine, or lasers and ballistics.

You've got over 7K views on Armored Core.

Yeah, but I only made like $15. This game cost me $189, so I would need over 10 times that. I need like 80,000 views.

Congratulations, applicant.

Which I don't really feel very confident about.

You may now exit the simulator through the hatch to record your current score.

I got 36K views on Baldur's Gate. It made $50, so I need 4 times that to even break even. I don't know if you can do build videos on this.

Is this recording?

Well, it's actually free to play if you have Xbox Gaming Pass, but then you gotta wait until next Congratulations, you have passed, applicant.

You may proceed to the exit hatch to log your results or restart the exam from the simulation's control terminal.

So to play today instead of in 5 or 6 days' time, you have to buy premium— the premium edition plus the premium upgrade.

Uh, what do I do?

Yeah, I can't believe I paid nearly $200 for a game. That's like 2/3 of my rent.

Shut it down. Congratulations, applicant. You've passed. Good showing in there. Your results should be fine. Congratulations on passing.

The simulator's still prepped if you'd like to try and get a better score. Oh, I want to steal. I love stealing so much. This isn't detected. Steal some toilet paper. Utility flight suit. Oh, I'm hidden. Oh, I don't have a digi-pick. Can I pickpocket him? He's got 975 credits. Eggs.

Okay.

Oh, they saw me. Load it. Oh, that guy over there can see me. Damn it. Good showing in there. Your results should be finalized by the time you get back to Commander Tuvala. Commander Tuvala. Who's that?

Hey, that isn't yours.

Is she gonna snitch on me?

Only those on official United Colonies business can access the building. You see that scientist out in front of Mast staring at trees? Sounds Whatever it is, it can't be that bad, right? Everything go all right? Ah, so these are your numbers. That then let's get to them. So looking at the data, checked out my gaming laptop over here.

Good. Inquisitive. Really hot right now around here. It actually hurts if I touch it. Expected levels. That's why I'm using my controller.

Doesn't have room for folks.

I can't press the keyboard.

It's so hot. Run a homing. missile. Now, all right, cleared. We try to set a high bar, but that's no small feat. Nice work. Hell of a job. So then, looking at your results as a whole and presuming you're successful and complete 10-year service— better than your average lab rat or diplomat. 10 years might seem like a long time. So sounds to me like we've got— if you're interested, We could bring get you the credits you've earned, then send you out on your first though. All UC service people, provisional or otherwise, are required. So you want to make this? It's a big decision, John. You're not about to have my compatriot here sign some kind officer's honor, Sarah. So you ready to do?

Should I join the Vanguard? Fantastic.

I guess so.

Vanguard seems pretty cool, I guess. No. Why not? Where's he going?

I like to make sure all my people get a little moment when they sign up.

Not yet. Why not?

Wouldn't be right doing this. Now, the motto of the Vanguard is Supra et Ultima. That is where we serve. Do you swear to protect and to uphold?

Should I say let me think about it then?

Okay, not usually the part people bail at. But, uh, I guess it can wait.

Okay, I'll think about it then. Okay, what should I do now? Where's the main mission? Ask about Morara. Um, so many things to do. I don't know what to do. See Landry Holfield about your mortgage. Okay, okay, so sort out my mortgage. I don't get it. It's very confusing trying to find out how to get where you need to go. Oh, I'm in space now.

Sono online. Sì.

I don't know why Bethesda wanted to make a game that's almost exactly like No Man's Sky. I don't get it. How do I go there? See, Landry Hollyfield— Hollyfelder. But I'm already there. Oh, maybe here.

Now listen, I have a lot on my plate. You don't look— Constellation, as in the elusive amnesty? Oh wow, well, this is perfect. I have a business proposition. Good, great. Well, confession time. See, the world credited now. What I need is a ringer, someone. What I need is—

yes, turns out, surprise, he's holding— does anyone care about all this dialogue?

Don't want him dead. We don't tell him what to do. I'll send over all the details. I hate to end it. You cut a deal with me, but don't expect any—

Oh, my stupid Xbox controller keeps disconnecting.

Good luck out there. I mean it. Right, smoke! There's a balance on that property. Argos, there are weekly payments, but I think we'd all certainly. So there are two ways. One's easy: just pay off the balance, then the house.

The other option, less ideal, is oh what? I need 125,000 credits.

That is a chunk of change, but we don't do— if you get the money though, we're happy to settle the more. You have a good day. If you need to— Can you imagine how many credits flow through this place? Figuratively, of course.

How long have I played? 2 hours. I feel like I've barely done anything. Am I still in the tutorial? Do I still have the Steam Deck? No, I sold it ages ago.

Hello there, on the other hand. I could really use it.

I feel like an Xbox would play this game better, like a proper gaming console. I like how you can walk around inside the ship. Can I do cooking? Okay, where do we go? How do I get there quickly? Oh, make it up. Am I having fun yet? No, I'm still waiting for the fun to begin. And then I go— oh, Bimbo Baggins' home. Visit your dream home. There's too many loading screens. It takes ages to get around. Loading screen again. Okay.

My house.

She's so close. 500 credits to unlock my house. I would rate it 6 out of 10. It's even a loading screen to go in the house. Can I decorate it?

Cooking station.

Wow, I can cook. I can make alien sandwich. It's a pretty nice house. It's kind of big. What is this? This house is way too big. Seems kind of dangerous just having a house in the middle of nowhere. Okay, what should I do? Collect Dieter Maliki's debt. Loading screen simulator.

United Colonies space. Maintain course and prepare to be—

Oh my God, using this map is so annoying.

Scan. Scan complete. You are clear to land and have clearance.

I feel like I'm just looking at loading screens half the time.

Uh, loading screen.

I don't know if I'd recommend it yet. I need to play more. Definitely don't pay what I paid. Don't pay $189. To play it now. Just wait for a few days. Oh, is there gonna be some action? Oh, can I steer this stuff? Ah, he saw me.

Okay, hello.

Did he see me? Oh, I got it. I need to steal 2 more times.

Whoa, whoa, the heck you doing?

Shut up, Sarah.

You went to a lot of effort to find me.

Do I have to kill him? Time to pay your debt.

Someone didn't pay his taxes. I'm gonna give you one chance. Leave. Let's— otherwise—

Hmm, persuade him. Oh, I could bribe him. Blackmail him. For the right amount of credits, I could report you were dead when I found you. Hmm, I mean, I could just kill him. And then take his money. I don't want to kill everyone though.

I've already tried that once, didn't work. Gulbang, you had your chance.

Oh, now he wants to kill me. Oh, come on.

Nothing worth taking.

Fine, I'll just kill him then. Guess I'll just steal all of his stuff then.

Is that it?

He doesn't have much.

Oh, credits.

Can I drive this? No, you can't drive it. Well, that's rubbish.

Where's my ship? We'll get underway.

That mission was so lame. We had to go all the way there, and now we're all the way back.

Fire this out. There's no getting out of this one. And the Eclipses are down. Thanks for the assist. I got a little too excited back there. Most ships would have bugged out and left us with this mess, but you— Any way we can repay you? Hope this helps you out. You take care.

The problem is the game developers hype up the game too much. They say all this stuff like, Starfield's gonna be the most amazing game in the entire world. There's so many interactive characters and thousands of worlds. Yeah, but they would look boring and bland.

Scan complete. Go ahead and land.

They oversell the game. When they do the marketing, it doesn't really feel very special so far. It's just like, hey, can we skip?

The local chunks this time. Never agrees with my stomach.

Uh, when's there going to be some action? My game of the year?

Maybe Diablo.

That was fun for a few weeks.

Fill out an application today to become part of the most advanced technology. Can we run through it one more time? You can over-rehearse, it'll sound terrible. We've got to keep it loose. Together we can really make a difference. My favorite credit. So Dieter's estate has already settled our claim, and Gal Banks, I guess Well, I'm hoping that— Well, not a surprise. And, you know, hopefully that doesn't scare you off. Listen, I'm really feeling it. So if you want another delinquent, let me know. But here is—

I guess I should do the main quest instead of the side quests. Okay, ask about Morara in Cydonia.

Be advised, you are entering United Colonies space.

Please maintain course and prepare for descent. Mars? Oh, is it actually Mars? Like the real Mars?

And we're done. Welcome to Mars.

Is it actually Mars? What? Where's Earth? Jupiter is our solar system. Oh, that's pretty cool. Where's Earth? Venus.

Earth.

Huh. Saturn. Pluto. I didn't think it would actually have Earth in the game. I thought it'd be like some random fictional universe. I wonder what Elon Musk would call his city on Mars. He'd probably call it X. Something stupid like that.

XY.

Why does he think the letter X is so funny? He'd probably call it X— X69 and then think it's so funny.

Sorry. Picking up parts at Deimos or digging for minerals. I hope you have a good reason for landing here. Oh, what a lovely Lovely view of the Martian sky. Frankly, I'm a bit surprised to find such a delightful spot in this rather drab city. Wonder where this will all lead. Time to go.

Why did it tell me to come here? Now it's telling me to get back in the ship.

Heat leeches in the engines, leeches on the hull, leeches on the grav drive. Suppose that would explain the Brownouts. So what's this going to run? There are no other surprises. Mid-five figures. Five figures? Five? Fine, do it. I'll be at the bar. Find me when it's done. We're on it, sir.

Is the game any good? Not sure yet. Seems okay.

Building Cydonia completely underground was a clever way of keeping the city shielded from the harsh Martian landscape. I thought it was just a couple of nests. The hell do you think you're doing?

Why is he running with his arms crossed? I want to level up my pickpocketing.

Take care of your shit. Could end up costing you a— I hope that was worth the risk. Used to think I was Vanguard material till I discovered that space travel turns my stomach in knots.

Yeah, do you Do you have any idea how far we've traveled?

How much money we spent to hitch a ride? Community center on P1 is a good place to connect with others. Look at this place. I can't imagine being cramped down here, choking on the fumes and the dust.

This is like Cyberpunk.

No trees, no grass.

Ah, wasting my money.

Hey, you looking for anything in particular? Well, well, look what the Martian winds blew in.

Where do I get digipics from?

Caution, subterranean particle. Just because the governor's office is right there on the— be advised to secure loose articles and find stable ground or remain seated in the event of The Sidonian people are great. Ah, hello. Well, what can I do for you?

One. Well, enjoy Sidonia. It's exploding.

To Mars, they said. Particle gun concluded. It is now safe to resume normal activities. Am I glad I got this job instead of— We get a lot of new— been serving drinks here for over 40. He ain't been around. Went off on patrol, hasn't been back in since. We're starting— oh, believe me, I've heard it. He has a tab and you— It's a lot of credits, okay?

Do I pay his tab? Persuade him?

Come on, life on Cydonia ain't hard enough, you're gonna guilt-trip me? Yeah, don't try to guilt-trip me, okay? Maybe. All right, I give up. Just trying to earn a living here. The persuasion dialogue is Yelling about the lady of love, singing songs. Venus? That's only one planet. I got what I got.

Maybe I'll put points into persuasion.

Yes.

Go to Venus. Oh, should I do the side quest? What was it? Kill the Ecliptic Contractor on Tau Ceti. Yeah, I could do that. The thing I don't like is it takes so long to get around. It's got one loading screen.

And then—

2 loading screens. 3 loading screens. 4 loading screens. And then the planets all just look like this.

Boring.

Uh, where do I go? Oh. Oh, enemies. Finally, some action.

What the— what? Gonna bury you. Very stealthy. What's that? Nobody's on the—

Oh my God, there's so many. Oh, I'm out of bullets. Oh, I died. Pfft.

What's that? False alarm.

This is Bore.

No.

It's so fun. There's so many of them. What am I supposed to do? Why does it go all dark when I come in here?

Ah, ears ringing bad. Damn it!

Oh, shit.

Let's do this.

Come on.

Multiple injuries.

I got no bullets.

Oh, Jesus. Come on, avoid playing games.

The gameplay feels kind of janky, like it's not smooth.

Look at this guy, that looks so stupid.

Typical Bethesda jank. How do I know if I have bullets or not? I've got no bullets.

Yeah, Cyberpunk has way better combat.

Oh, this combat feels bad.

This feels kind of annoying. Oh my God. This is so stupid. Oops. Oh my God. Maintain control. Fuck it, I'll have to fight.

Are we gonna die? Is that the leader who was so strong? Why is there no VATS system where you do slow motion? Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, the game engine feels very janky.

I'm gonna die.

Should I save it? Oh my God, does my health regen? I got no more ammo.

Oh.

Time.

Don't run away.

Oh, what happened to the sound? Sounds really weird.

Yeah.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Ah.

Why is the sound messed up now? Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh, fucking hell.

I can't kill him.

Oh.

I keep dying, I've got no health kits. I bought this on Xbox Gaming Pass, not Steam. I'm gonna die in one shot. Give me a health kit. Was that a med kit?

No.

I'm shooting Sarah. I thought that was the enemy. Oh, vending machine.

Show me what you've got.

That does nothing.

Oh no.

Bland, boring, uninspired. Oh, they have med packs on them.

Wait, did you hear that? No, I don't hear it. Can you hear that? Don't let him get away.

Oh, there he is. Maybe I can sneak up to him without that stupid Sarah going away.

Who's shooting? You've got nothing, nothing!

Oh my God, oh, he saw me. I feel like the field of view is really zoomed in. That's the field of view. There must be a field of view toggle. There ain't no way. Really? There's no field of view toggle? Very lackluster. What? You can't— Slide the field of view up and down.

Go up. Take fire. Got him. Easy.

I don't know if third person's good for shooting. Feels kind of weird.

The music's annoying.

It's trying to be like Interstellar, all grand and orchestral. Orchestral.

Well, this looks like a nice spot for a lovely cup of tea before we return to the Carnage, shall we?

Contact! What's that? Oh my God, stupid controller keeps dying. Yeah, bend over. Oh, what? Stupid Sarah. Is he hiding in the toilet?

Okay, finished.

Why does my controller keep dying?

I'm sure they have something we can use.

So that's what it's like attacking a base. You just run in and kill everyone, I guess. Do a bit of hacking. I've got too much stuff in my backpack.

Liftoff when you are, Captain. Liftoff.

So did I finish that, or do I have to go back somewhere? Go to Venus.

Hello, what do we have here? See that cluster of ships? Varun zealots. You ever run into one? Completely. I'll let you guess what happens if they spot us. No, but I think I see something. There's a UC sat. If we can get close enough to it. Easy. Three ships to out. But yes. Worst case. Oh great serpent, bless this communion that we may walk in Janan Derun's footsteps. That he jumped from the soul system out into the beyond and touched your magnificence. That he learned the truth of the Drowning, becoming eternal embrace. Then you will reward the promised and cast the accursed into shadow. This is Vanguard. To all UCM-affiliated ships, I'm heading to the Nova Galactic Star Yard orbiting Earth's moon. Yeah, yeah, I know the whole place is decommissioned, but I need parts for emergency repairs. Hopefully it hasn't been picked clean yet. Oh, that's not good. Earth and everything around it was abandoned a long time ago, and the old star yards are crawling with spacers and other scavengers. You have met your doom. Whoops.

Oh my God, I didn't save it. Oh my God.

So fucking annoying. Hello, what do we see? That cluster of— I'll let you guess what I have. No, there's a UC satellite if we can get close. Exactly, minimal ship power. Good. Oh, great serpent, bless this communion, that we may walk in Jinan Darun's footsteps. That he jumped from the Sol system out to the beyond, touched your magnificence. That he learned the truth of the Shrouding, the coming eternal embrace. That you I will reward the promised and cast the accursed into shadow. To all UC-affiliated ships, I'm heading to the Nova Galactic Star Yards orbiting Ruff's Moon. Yeah, yeah, I know the whole place is decommissioned, but I need parts for emergency repairs. Hopefully it hasn't been picked clean yet. Oh, that's not good. Earth and everything around it was abandoned a long time ago, and the old star yards are crawling with space scum and scavengers.

Disgusting accursed. It says I'm in combat. How do I get out of combat?

I did have a dick. It is time for your judgment. Where are they?

Heretic.

Out!

They're not even near me. Why can't I just go? I'm gonna die. There's too many.

Something is here. Oh, fuck's sake. Fucking stupid fucking game. Accept your suffering, heathen!

I can't run away and I can't beat them. Oh my God, this fucking game. Why can't I just jump away? Oh, I can. Go, go, go, go!

Be advised, you are entering United Colony space. Please maintain There it is, Nova Galactic Star Yard. This is where the first interstellar ships were made. People still use this. Keep your weapons ready.

Oh, this is the moon, it's not the Earth. Where's the Earth? I want to go home. Is that the Earth? Oh my God, wow, I didn't see it getting so close. Perfect landing.

Wow, what happened here? 2 stops in and we're already looking at a corpse. Okay, it's not Vanguard Moara. Looks like spacers were scavenging around here and someone else came in and said hello. Oh, this This won't be your last encounter with a spacer crew. They pillage abandoned facilities and shoot anyone who gets in their way. Do they rape people too? Desperate groups killing to survive.

Is the game any good? Uh, it's okay. Give it like 5 out of 10. I don't like this space combat. I don't understand the lockpicking. It doesn't fit in the hole. Oh, I can choose different shapes of lock. Oh. My key doesn't fit in the hole. Oh, I know what to do. Oh, I get it. Oh my God. Oh, I get it. Oh. Ah, I think I screwed up.

No, I screwed up.

Damn it. Oh, now I don't have any lockpicks. Stupid door. Well, how do I get in then? Oh.

Easy. Easy.

Oh, shotgun. That stupid Sarah keeps blowing my cover. Okay, that's it.

Time to sell some of your junk. Shut up.

What are they shooting at?

Oh my God. If you're searching, then make it quick. Nice! Gotcha!

I like how they crawl away. Oh my God. I'm gonna die. Where do I go?

Where do I go? Oh my God, why is the screen going all blurry?

I need to sell my stuff. Well, I've got like 4 of the same weapons. This looks kind of funny. Well, that's a waste. Maybe you should carry some then, Sarah.

Idiot.

Why do I keep running out of oxygen? I don't know what to do. Clues about Morara. Oh my God.

Oh, good. I'm going—

No.

Wake up!

Ah, fucking game. This game's hard. Headshots don't do anything.

Bring it on. Get out of the way! Oh my God, you've come here to piss me off!

What? Ah, died.

Oh.