First time at a Japanese Ryokan with my wife

She takes so long to get ready. It's been about 40 minutes. This is my outfit for the day. Very trendy. What are you making?

Egg, bacon egg.

Bacon and eggs. Very British.

Oh, it's hot!

It's okay.

I thought it'd be cold. Why is there hot water coming out? It isn't drinkable. Cannot drink bottles.

Hmm.

Is it warm? It's cold. Looks like a big toilet for giants. We're in the mountains of Japan. It's very pretty. Oh, there's a kitty cat. They don't like me. This is the hotel we're staying at tonight. $300 per person. Better be good.

あり がとう ござ いました。 3 階 に ございます。 1 階 で 玄 関 を 出 て いただ き ま して、 廊 下 左右 突 き 当 た り に 非常 階 段 を 降 り て いただ き ま して、 左 に お 進 み いただ きます と、 こちら に 当 館 で 一 番 大 き い 大 浴 場 が ございます。 き ます。 で 翌 朝 は 六 時 から お 入 り いただ き ま して、 こちら の 大 浴 場 が 朝 八 時 から 九 時 の 間 一 旦 清 掃 に 入 ら せて いただ きます。 で その 後 九 時 から チ ェ ック ア ウ ト の 十 二 時 まで 夕 食 こちら の お 部 屋 に 準備 さ せて いただ きます。 四 時間 十 八 時 から です ので その お 時間 の 二 十 分 から 三 十 分。 あ 僕 露 天 風 呂 ある んだ。 うわ。 I thought that woman would never stop talking.

Oh my goodness! Look at this room.

It smells like feet in here. It smells like feet. Feetじゃないよ。じゃあ何の匂いこれ？ Smells like feet. So this is the room we're staying in. Traditional Japanese room. Looks very nice. It smells a bit funny when you first enter the room, but then you get used to it. Now I can't really smell it. And there was a, uh, there was a geisha woman and she was explaining everything, like how to use the bath, how to use the TV.

I thought she was never gonna stop talking. Bloody hell.

And we have a nice view of the mountains.

Nothing. Oh, they gave us fancy bathrobes. This is the toilet. Very nice toilet. Sanitized.

It's so awkward. I don't know what what it is about geishas. I just find really awkward. They're just so robotic.

Robotic.

It's like they're not real people. She brought us tea. Do you like the tea?

Mm-hmm.

Tastes good.

It's okay, I guess. I just noticed there's no bed in here. Where are we supposed to sleep? On the floor. You mean I spent three hundred dollars for tonight and they don't even give us a bed?

자 다다미 안녕. 또 유이してくれるから大丈夫だよ.

The geisha woman's gonna come back and and make the bed. It's so awkward when she's here though. I don't know where to look. I don't know what to do. This is weird. What's so funny? 初めて日本に来た外人みたい。 I look like a foreigner who's come to Japan for the first time. I've never stayed in a traditional Japanese hotel before. This is very strange. Still smells weird. This is the bathroom, and this is the reason why this place is so expensive, is because it comes with a fancy bathtub. It's like an onsen, but you don't have to share it with other people. You get your own private one. The water's warm. Ouch, the door just hit me. Doesn't seem very water efficient. Bit of a waste, isn't it, if it keeps flowing out? And then where does it go? It keeps flowing in, where does it flow out? Oh, I guess it It flows out of that hole over there. We came all this way and we spent all this money so we can have a bath. At the end of the day, that's basically what it is, a fancy bathtub. And you get a little wooden bucket and a little wooden stool and a shower. So I guess what you do is you sit on this wooden stool and then you shower yourself. clean before you get into the bathtub. That's the Japanese way.

What's in here?

Genome Bath CE600. And there's a tiny refrigerator full of beer. Look at all the beer they gave us. Do you like it? Very nice?

Very nice!

Show us the bathrobe. What are you wearing?浴袍。浴袍。ムム。ムム的パジャマ。Pajama.

Pajama.

Bathrobe. Very pretty.

Thank you so much.

What's that purple thing?

Jacket. For additional jacket.

Do a Japanese dance. Japanese dance.

Japanese dance.

Dasa ine.

What do you think?

I look like a hospital patient. And this is the purple, purple jacket. I don't know what it's called.

How do you feel?

Do I look like a Japanese boy?

You look like a Japanese boy. A good-looking guy. It's my husband. Traditional Japanese green tea. This is a green tea. Put in here and I look funny.

Mhm.

It's a very nice toilet. My special socks. They make my toes look really long.

What do you think? That's silly.

Silly. Let's go. There's no pockets. on this outfit. I feel a bit exposed. I don't know where to put my hands.

We're walking around the hotel. It's very exciting, very fancy. Matching outfits.

What did it feel like? Slimy.

So slimy.

Look, in Japan there's vending machines for cigarettes. Everywhere.

What's this? Oh, we eat in the room. I thought we'd go to a restaurant. She's preparing dinner for us. This is kind of strange.

はい、 お願いします。 はい。 それ では 後 ほど お 料 理 と お 飲 み 物 お 待 ち いた します。 Dinner has arrived.

Is this everything?

Mm.

Mata kuru.

Sono wakke nai ja.

This is the starter.

Saki zuke da, saki zuke da yo. Saisho ni. De konnake kuru ryō. 一 二 三 四 五 六 六 品 来 る よ。 Six courses.

Six course meal.

そう だ よ。 だから あ ん まり 変 な もの 食べ て お 腹 い っぱ い にな ら ない ように した 方 が いい よ。 So this is course number one. Number one.

What 's here?

これ 肉 焼 く。 あ、 あと で。 They 're gonna cook meat in there.

Oh, thank you very much.

Nandan sono.

Kanpai.

These chopsticks are interesting. The food looks a bit strange. Very pretty, but not what I'm used to. What's this?

Mushroom.

Japanese mushroom. It's cold and sweet and salty. Uh, what's this? It's an octopus. Is it a baby octopus?

Baby.

아카장.

Baby.

It's a baby octopus. Uh, it looks weird. It just tastes sweet and chewy. Does it have brains in the head? 入ってるよ。入ってる。うーん、there's brains in it.

No thanks.

Course number two is raw fish, sashimi, tuna.

Chūn yeah tuna tuna. It's not soだねマグロだけど油が多い。 It's okay, I guess.

Just tastes like raw fish. It's just raw fish. Nothing special.

他 って 何 が 来 る んです か？ 他 は この あと でした ら あの 二 物 って まあ ちょっと あ った か い お 料 理 と あの 揚 げ 物。 うん。 あと は ご 飯 と あの サ イ ド。 シ ー の よ これ が 大 好 き この。 That 's it lime tea.

L ime tea や けど これ 全 く も 入 って ない。 Where do you squeeze it?

これ これ の 中。 あ、 おい しい。 Is it beef?

Yeah. Beef and butter.

Oh, look. Kobe beef. And the Is it delicious? Mm-hmm. Say something to your mom.

It's very good. Seven out of ten.

Oh, table. Ah, mama, you think tonight?

It's a soup, vegetable soup.

What's this? Tempura.

Tempura.

Tempura.

Tempura.

What's inside of it?

Shrimp and mushroom, mushroom, potato.

Mm-hmm.

She explained it. I didn't hear.

You weren't listening to her.

You naughty girl!

This is the problem with Japanese clothing. The sleeves are so big, you can't really reach over things without getting it caught in stuff. This is course number 5, white rice and... Brown soup. What is this soup?

Ah, miso soup.

Miso soup and some weird stuff.

She's coming to make the bed.

Hi. Ah, hi.

O願いします。 あはいありがとうございます。 She finished making the bed.

This is our bed for tonight. We're taking my bag, and they also gave us this little light.

Today's our bed. So romantic.

It's kind of strange how the, um, the bed sheet has a huge hole in the middle. Is it comfy?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Amazing.

Good night.