why i HATE Hogwart's Legacy

Testing.

Testing, testing, testing.

Okay, I think it's working. Fingers crossed. Hold on, I want to make a thumbnail for my new video. My whole computer froze up because of this game. I updated the NVIDIA graphics driver. It seems to have fixed the problem. It did warn me saying that My graphics card driver could crash the game, but I ignored it. Wait, how many died in this earthquake from Turkey? I heard it was a few hundred. That's quite a lot of people. Imagine dying. That must be crazy. Ah, why is my iPhone not connected? Livestreaming can be so annoying. Is it streaming? Testing. Is it streaming?

Scared now.

Never had so many problems trying to stream a game. Wait, I'm just posting, posting the clip of me creating the character onto YouTube. Um, my review of the character creation process in Hogwarts Legacy. I was gonna put racist, but Can't really think of how the character creation bit is racist. Not enough diversity. If I link my stream On the YouTube video. Might get some viewers. Streaming on Twitch. Copy, public, save. I don't know why the tutorial part of the game worked fine, but then when I got to Hogwarts it just crashed. Now it's fine. Very weird. Definitely think that's the most attractive face. Oh no, I changed it back now. There's only 2 good-looking faces. Okay, video's up. I thought you wasn't coming back on. No, I just had to download the new driver. For, for my graphics card. Create a dashboard. Okay, let's see if I can actually play the game now. Seems smooth. I don't think it has anything to do with lowering my graphics. The graphics aren't that amazing. Okay, so you come here with preferences. What do I want to do? Can't wait to start classes. Can't wait to explore. Classes sounds kind of boring.

I'm looking forward to exploring Hogwarts and the world beyond the castle and grounds.

By having an adventurous spirit, but your professors have a great deal to teach you as well. Hmm, I wonder to teach you as well. Hmm, I detect something in you, a certain sense of hmm. What is it?

Daring, curiosity, loyalty, ambition. Why does this matter? Oh, I guess they're gonna sort me into a house based off of what I choose. I want to get Gryffindor because I like the common room there. All the other houses look crap. Daring.

A sense of adventure. I like to think that I'm not afraid of anything.

Oh, but you're brave at heart.

Exceptionally daring. Undaunted by the unknown. Willing to forge ahead alone when you must.

Perhaps you belong in Gryffindor.

Uh, yeah, that's what I thought it would give to me. Yeah, I'll go with Gryffindor. Why not? Who cares? I thought I'd like Slytherin because I like to be evil, but I don't like green. I don't like the common room either. Oh, it looks kind of stuttery. It's not very smooth. Please don't eff—

One more thing. Due to the unfortunate injury on the pitch in last spring's finals, This year's Quidditch season has been cancelled.

I don't know why I'm lagging so much. It's not internet lag, it's like laptop CPU lag.

You are here to focus on your academic futures. I'm sure you will have plenty to do before classes begin tomorrow.

It lagged so much earlier, it crashed everything on my computer, including Streamlabs. I think it crashed everything. That's why the stream effed, because even if it crashed, the stream should have stayed online. My whole computer was frozen, nearly stuttering so badly. I had to restart the whole thing.

As I was saying, I'm Professor Get an Xbox X?

How would I stream on it? I think you can stream, can you? My first British girlfriend last year, she streamed Genshin Impact from her PS5. People do just use the built-in console streaming stuff, don't they? I think they were talking about it on Trash Taste. Apparently Connor has some porn star friend who streams Fortnite from her PlayStation. Why does Connor have loads of— I guess because he's friends with that Carho woman, but he's got a load of porn star friends. Maybe I should turn the graphics down. It's not smooth. Motion blur off. What's this?

DLSS.

Should I put that on or turn it off? Wow, the graphics on ultra. Maybe I should put on medium. Apply settings. Sound, I want to turn the music down a little bit. Pitch. Why would I care about the pitch of my character's voice? Okay, let's see if that helps. I don't want to play in ultra mode. It still— it doesn't feel smooth. Also, I want to keybind sprint to E, not Shift. Why does every game keybind sprint to Shift? Every time. How do I change it? Sprint, E. Does E even do anything? I hate pressing the Shift button with my little finger. Oh, look at the reflections! Actually, I put the graphics to medium. Haha, that's good graphics for the reflection. If it's on ultra, would it actually reflect myself in the mirror? Oh, I can shoot my laser. At random things. What's it writing? Find your common room. I think it's running okay now. Well, I don't think I can refund it anymore. It's been 2 hours, so I better get value out of this. Gonna have to make like 20 videos. One of them is gonna get good views, it has to. Wow, my character's so ugly. Jesus Christ, she looked cute in the character creation. It's just when she makes weird facial expressions, she's very ugly. Can I strip her? Where's the inventory and gear stuff?

Rebellion. Lumos.

This is just options. Where, where's like the gear menu?

You—

all these buttons just go to the options settings. Maybe you need to unlock it.

Now, which way is the common room?

Why is there no people here? Oh, there's some people. Imagine you can just kill everyone in the school. They don't have any boobs. Can't perv at them like Cyberpunk. You'll like it, trust me. I feel like this should be an MMO. It has MMO vibes. Talk to Gareth.

You'll like it.

Sure you don't want to try?

Brewed it myself.

They drinking alcohol?

Hello, you're the new 5th year. Pleased to meet you, I'm Gareth Weasley. Heard about your travels here, can't believe it. Glad you and Fig are all right.

Is it true that someone from the Ministry was with you in the carriage?

Oh, uh, yes.

Uh, 2 hours, I can't refund it anymore.

Didn't mean to pry. Nasty business, dragons. Again, very glad you're Thank you, Gareth. So am I.

Are you related to Professor Weasley?

I am. She's my aunt.

Uh, that must be nice.

Must be nice having an aunt for a professor.

You'd think so, wouldn't you? Aunt Matilda tends to treat me as if I'm a first year. Keeps too close an eye on me. It's all a bit suffocating, to be honest. Still, she means well, and she's an incredibly powerful witch. She'll have your back.

Are you having Butterbeer for breakfast?

Hmm?

Oh no, I've been perfecting a recipe I came up with over the summer. I'm almost there. Based on some reactions, it may need a bit more work.

Seems you enjoy brewing. Might I assume that you have a talent for potions of all sorts?

Well, as I see it, there's little difference fundamentally between brewing a modification to Butterbeer and a Wiggenweld.

They all sound so nerdy.

Pleasure to meet you as well.

Uh, I don't really care about talking to every damn NPC. If the gameplay is not fun, I'm gonna find it hard to care about this game.

That girl thinks she can get away with anything.

Oh, what did I do wrong this time? I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's not a complicated spell. I should be able to do it nonverbally. Why is this not working? Oh, hello there. Welcome to Gryffindor.

The voice acting's so cringy.

Theatrical arrival to the sorting ceremony.

Is it true?

I'm not sure I'd say that, but it's like they're trying too hard before we arrive to sound English.

I was hoping he might have given you some advice on nonverbal casting.

Is that what you were trying to do just then?

Oh yes, having a spot of trouble. I've mastered Tested the charm using its incantation, but this is proving a bit trickier.

Don't worry.

Oh, introduce yourself to Nelly.

I'm sure you've used them.

How do I get up there?

She gets bolder every year.

I hope a professor catches her this time.

She gets bolder every year.

I saw your YouTube video, came here. Which one? The character creation thing.

She gets bolder every year.

How do I get up there?

Who does Nelly think she is anyway?

Ah, why is everyone so highly strung? It's perfectly safe.

Well, hello.

Don't mind me, I find it helpful to change my point of view.

Yeah, yeah, it is true.

But I'll say any—

New Gryffindor, Professor Weasley is waiting for you outside the common room.

At least you didn't do what that bird did.

I can't refund it now, I played it for 2 hours. Scammed.

I trust you're ready for your first day at Hogwarts.

I've been dreaming of this day for a long time.

Camilla Fat Bottom. I forgot I called her that. I don't know why people love Harry Potter so much. I liked it when I was a kid. I fancied Hermione. After I got over the age of 12 or 14, I couldn't really Care less about it. People are nerding out over this game so hard. She's hot now? Who, Emma Watson? No, she's ugly. I watched a movie last night on Netflix. Emma Watson was in it. It's like some stupid weird comedy movie with Seth Rogen, James Franco. She looks like a female version of Tyrion Lannister. She's got like weird nose and massive forehead.

I certainly would have appreciated something like the field guide when I was a student. Using the guide will also train you to be alert to your surroundings. Do keep up. Ah, the guide appears to have some information for you about that painting of poor Berufio.

What's happening here? Is that guy? Making love with that cow. What is he doing? That looks wrong.

Revelio.

Police gonna come to my house again because I say something about fucking a yak. Oh, it's a buffer though. It's sitting on him. It's got its anus over his dick. I think they're doing more than sitting on him. Look at his face as well, like he's coming. Police gonna come to my house again now. We saw a clip saying that you wanted to fuck a buffalo. Oh my god, what the hell is all this? Field guide pages.

Clever, isn't it? Keep your eyes open for more opportunities like that, inside and outside of the castle.

Oh, it's a cat. Mrs. Mimo.

No time to waste.

That's a weird-looking cat. Become an evil wizard? Can you even be evil? There's no evil dialogue choices.

Ah, good timing. Perfect opportunity to show you how to use Floo Flames to get around a bit quicker. Your field guide contains a map of the castle. Open it up and find Central Hall.

I hate stupid hand-holding tutorials. Select the south wing region. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just press everything. Thinks I've never played a game before. Bestiality must happen in Harry Potter. Where do those centaur things come from? Half man, half horse. Looks like I'm not the only one who has a thing for the horsies.

Quite the time saver. These stairs lead directly to Central Hall.

Can't be evil in Gryffindor. Ah, damn, should have chosen Slytherin.

Always something happening here.

There's literally nothing happening here. There's nothing happening, just people standing around.

That should be all for now. You'll be expected to attend both Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts classes today, and I'd like to be sure you get to Hogsmeade as soon as possible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck off.

Thank you.

He's my— we did exploring ruins. Speak of the devil, Professor Fig.

Your ears must have been burning.

Oh yes. Ah, perfect.

I wouldn't—

very—

might I relax?

Blah blah blah. Come on, when does the game start?

Good luck today. And yes, come and find me in my classroom.

Harry Potter games are so weird. Because it's like you're supposed to be a student, but you end up doing all this weird stuff that a student would never do. When do I get to murder goblins? Yeah, I've been playing for 2 hours now. I spent 40 minutes on character creation. I still haven't gone to like the main meat of the game.

Yes, sir.

I wanna do fighting quests and stuff. Um, attend Dark Arts class.

The map is enchanted. Now, Sal, I—

We love you.

I'm not going to lose any more sleep over your pranks.

Burn in hell.

It feels kind of laggy. Why does this just feel like the old Harry Potter game but looks slightly better? It's very similar. I don't know if I played the first Harry Potter game on PlayStation. I think I did. Handy resource in It was just like running around the castle, and then there's weird things everywhere, and then you do some magic.

Oh my God.

Professor Ronan tends to go on a bit. We sometimes have to remind him to finish the lesson.

Some of us don't necessarily want him to finish.

How many videos do I have to make about this game to make back my money? I need $70. There's a I'm getting, um, thank you. What's that word?

Hello.

When you buy something and regret it.

So you are the new student. Have you met—

buyer's remorse. That's the word.

Shall we begin?

Welcome to year 5 of charms. Now, this will be a crucial year in your education on the art of charm.

The spell system is just pressing spacebar and guiding it through a line. It's weird. Why I regret buying Hogwarts Legacy, next video.

That is not bad.

You are a swift learner. I see a lot of potential, but remember Potential is nothing without practice.

Video games so expensive now, nearly $100 for some games. I went to the gym on Saturday. Now it's Wednesday, is it? My arms are still hurting a little bit.

Hand in hand with mastery, as I'm sure the Quidditch players amongst us would agree. So what better? Very simply, cast Accio on one of the spheres.

Why do Harry Potter games always just feel like a bunch of random minigames everywhere? It is just like non-stop Random silly minigames using magic. I can lift the 15 kg dumbbell now. Do one rep. That's progress.

Oh yeah, real challenge.

I have to press F.

You are playing red, clear?

Yes, sir.

I want him to say my name, Mrs. Fat Bottom.

Watch this.

I hate minigames in games. They're always so gimmicky and they're not actually fun. What do I do? 4.

Excellent control there!

Here we go!

They should make the minigames online so you go against other people and then you win something like money. Don't lose your composure! Why they call you Blowmaster? Who did? In the game? Maybe you blow a teacher off to get points. Can you imagine what you could do with magic in terms of sex?

Do not be discouraged.

Can I beat her up for beating me?

Let us make this a bit more interesting, shall we?

Ah, not again. What's the point of this?

I think we are well past interesting at this point.

I think you have to go to the class, do like a minigame, and then you unlock the spell. How many times a day do you think about sex? Only when I'm really bored, and it's getting a bit boring.

Very good.

Here we go.

I only jerk off once in the morning.

There we go.

Recently I like searching for Vietnamese girls getting effed. Vietnamese girls are so tiny. I only realized that recently. Something hot about Vietnamese girls. When I went to Vietnam, I thought they were children. They were women. They were like 4'10 midgets everywhere. So tiny. Vietnamese girls are kind of hot.

Splendid!

I wonder how many of them actually mix with French DNA from the colonial times. They must have interbred quite a lot. The French colonized Vietnam for like 100 years.

Well done.

How am I liking it? Am I liking it so far? Uh, not really. There's nothing about it that is really hooking me yet. It's just like cutscene after cutscene after cutscene. A tag game.

It turns out we were. Took me weeks to become proficient with Accio. Took weeks for me to get anything right when I transferred here. It gets easier, I promise.

Thank you. But I've been holding my own.

I appreciate your confidence. I transferred here from Wagadu just before my fourth year. My mother received an offer to teach divination here. Before I knew it, we had left Uganda and were halfway around the world at a new school in a new country.

Wow, it's been nice.

Don't really care about you, Wagadu. And with you. Thanks very much.

Of course.

I wish I could kill them or something like GTA. Push them around.

You know, after my brother learned the summoning charm, it was constant.

Accio this, accio that, cutlery flying everywhere.

Okay, so what do I do now? Talk to him. You want?

I did.

Well, an outdoor competition.

And what a close match between you and Miss Onai! Invigorating.

Thank you, Professor. I enjoyed the match.

Miss Onai is always a fierce competitor, though I sense that she is a bit distracted of late.

Now I think about it, wasn't everyone in Harry Potter white in the movies? Even all the teachers were white. I don't remember a single black person. The only Asian girl was that love interest, Cho Chang Cho or something. Okay, what do I do now? Level 2. I hope it's like Cyberpunk where you can level up different things. I liked it in Cyberpunk where if you leveled up strength, you you could break open doors, or if you leveled up hacking, you could hack into stuff. Why do they sound so retarded? Hello there, you're the new student, aren't you? They sound so dumb. The voice acting is weird. No one speaks normally. Why would there be Asian kids in the 1890s in England? How would they get here? On a boat? I don't think Chinese people traveled to England in the 1890s. I guess they teleported using magic.

It was Albert Boot.

No, it wasn't.

It was Basil Flack.

Oh, fight, fight!

It's a bold attack.

Was the minister a boot or the minister a man?

Stop it, Peeves. You'll get us in trouble.

In trouble you will be.

I should just blow their heads off with this laser. I had a weird dream last night. I was playing chess, but it was like roulette, and then you won money for some reason, and I won like ¥180,000, and then I was trying to find out how to cash out the money before the dream ended. I thought it was real. I thought I was gonna be rich. Okay, where do I go? Maybe it could be a fun game. I don't know why I'm not liking it so far. It's just not cool, like Cyberpunk was cool. This just seems a bit cringy. Do I go up here? I don't think I do. It seems kind of laggy. It's not smooth. I've got so many things to complain about now I've actually played it. How nice to see you, my young friend. What's this? How do I use it? Side quests.

I was playing dominoes on the kitchen floor.

There's a really bad smell coming from my bathroom. Smells like sewage. I don't know where it's coming from. Maybe the drain. I can smell it. They always go on and on about how you can explore the entire school, but it's not that interesting exploring the school. It's just like random hallways and rooms, people just standing around. I've always said that travel broadens the mind.

Stupefy!

Stupefy!

Is that all you've got?

Leviosa!

Professor Hackett!

Perhaps you'd be good enough to blast each other to pieces on your own time. I get new students every year, but I only have one Hebridean black skull. It was a token from the great poacher raid of 1878.

No doubt you've heard of it.

No.

You may be asking yourself how an old woman like me single-handedly took out the largest poacher ring in eastern Wales and lived to boast about it. To the wise, age matters very little. Today we will review a spell that has saved me from death at the hands of dark wizards more times than I care to remember. Levioso.

Levioso?

A levitation charm?

Levioso!

A surprised opponent is a weak opponent. Care to defend yourself, Master for it?

No?

One thing I've learned as an Unspeakable is the value of simplicity, especially in the heat of battle. Now let's practice what we've just learned, starting with something small.

I don't understand the point of this minigame. It's not gonna make me do this during combat, is it? Do you just do it once? You just do it once and then you unlock it. Seems so unnecessary.

Now let's try something a little larger. Let us begin with a basic cut.

Whoa, lagging. Why am I lagging so much?

Deflected your cast. This time, cast Levioso first, then the basic cast. Remember, a surprised scope. Now the very well done. Very good, but the best way to practice is by dueling. We'll start with you two. Duelists, take your marks.

Time for a proper Hogwarts welcome.

Now, I want a fair duel using only Levioso, basic cast, and Protego. You may begin.

This should be—

This can't be your first duel.

Let's just say I'm a quick learner.

I tailor my students for this event.

I do?

Your way or I feed you, little faceless.

Watch your opponent for signs to attack or defend yourself.

You're good.

Thank you.

Try to anticipate your opponent's next move.

Did he fall off? I don't know if the combat would be any fun for a beginner. It doesn't feel like you're doing anything apart from flinging lights at them.

I put you on the spot. I demand excellence from my students. They are capable of achieving it, and they must achieve it. A classroom duel is one thing, but battling dark wizards, or as Ever more likely goblins. Understood. So again, well done today. I shall reach out soon with additional assignments. All right, that's enough spectacle for one day. Class is dismissed.

When does the game begin? Imagine this is the whole game. Talking to people.

Certainly good practice.

Practice?

I've dueled enough.

Fair enough. You owe me an honest duel when you are.

Unsanctioned.

Look for Luke and Brattleby near the clock tower entrance. Entrance, if you're interested.

It's just like, go here, talk to that person, go there, do this. Uh, what do I do now?

You can't imagine.

Um, gear. Can I make a naked Unequip. Oh, I can. Oh, naked! Ah, I want to make her naked. Unequip. Ah, nearly got her naked.

Hahaha.

Can I walk around like this? That's interesting. I can put glasses on her. She looks like a Sims character. How to strip your Hogwarts character down. I bet someone's gonna make a mod where she's like in her panties. If the game would stop holding my damn hand and just let me play it, it could be interesting, but it's pissing me off. Just let me play the game, for God's sake. I don't want to watch a movie. Mila Fatbottom. I mean, that does look kind of like Mila's— I should have called it Flatbottom, just like Mila. Police are coming for you. Is it illegal to perv over— well, in my playthrough of Hogwarts Legacy, my character is actually 18 years old. My character, my rules. She is of age. What is that zoom in on her crotch for? Black leather gloves. Kind of weird you can just take off a robe. I don't want a stupid robe. It definitely unlocks like a special hat. I think I need to link it because I got the deluxe version. The game released for everyone else but me. Where do you live? I think your time zone has an effect on when you can play it. How to be a pedo. In Hogwarts Legacy. If I can see some good customization ability in the game, I might get interested in it. If it's just like boring linear, go here, do that. Appearances, challenges, quests. I hate all this tutorial stuff. What do I do? It's not telling me what to do. It just says question mark. Crossed Wands. Talk to Lucan Brattleby. Inventory. What about stuff like talent trees? On track. Oh my god, you can see her bum now. I'm now liking the game 4.2% more. So I have to go here. Do I? Yeah, okay. How do I get there? I wish my face wasn't so ugly though. She looks okay in the character creation thing. I would be impressed if they made comments on your appearance, like, why aren't you wearing your robe? She doesn't look like the regular Illegal to have sexualized depictions of minors. Doesn't matter if they are drawn 3D or anything. Ah, what's the point playing an RPG if you can't perv on your character? Someone's clipping this and sending it to the police. There's that stupid Gunner Larson. I know you're here. Why don't you suck on a Weasley, Gunner? Can I shoot the cat? Is this animal cruelty? Someone's gonna report me to the animal thing. Imagine you get reported for for killing people in a game.

What about the room, Professor?

I was thinking the same thing.

I think Gunner has an alt called Old Dawson because he was saying stuff in the comments. Some Japanese people commented on my PewDiePie video and he was saying, this is Daniel typing in Japanese. Yeah, as if my Japanese is that good.

I—

they did, Professor.

I heard as much from— seems Professor Fig taught you quite a bit during your—

yeah, he gave me a private one-on-one lesson in the cave. What race is your character? I don't know, she looks Hispanic, doesn't she? She didn't look like this when I was making it.

Scammed.

I'd like to go with Natty.

Excellent choice.

She awkward?

A rather unsavory. No time to.

I have no idea what she said.

You've been practicing.

Report to Professor Ronan.

Ah, there you are.

The whole game is just talking to people so far. Uh, collect flying page near the broken statue. Collect flying page. Oh my God, this is so boring.

Professor, what? This is the right area. I wonder where the flying cage is.

What's this?

Professor, why must I complete these tasks?

How long have you been live? About an hour now. I don't do these stupid side quests. What do I do?

Lumos Revelio.

Revelio.

Do I have to fix it? Oh, look at all the different spells. Maybe I need to unlock the spell to finish that one.

Hup!

Learn Repairer. How do I learn it? Did I buy the new handheld console? What, the AYANEO? No, it's too expensive. It's too much of a gamble. I don't know if I could get views.

Best to come back.

I don't know what to do. Why is it going all blurry?

Oh look, it's following me.

Oh, hello. What does it do? Maybe to put it back up there. How do I put it up there?

Mm-hmm.

Doesn't let me push it. How do I let go of it? I got a hat. Where's my hat? Should I wear the hat? I look weird.

Flying mounts.

The scenery looks quite nice. It's kind of like Elden Ring, that magical castle in Elden Ring. It looks like this. It'd be cool if I could just jump off.

What?

What's the point of that? Oh, oh, I teleported. I see. It's open world. Yeah, but you need the broom to fly around, I think. When are they gonna let me go outside and do what I want? I don't know if there's fall damage. All the reviews for this game are so lame. They're all the same. They're like, Hogwarts Legacy is an enchanting and magical game. It really feels like you're at Hogwarts. It will take you back to when you were a child. The nostalgia, blah blah blah blah. What are you up to now? All the reviews came out from those big channels at the same time. I just want to see someone shit on the game. I feel like I'm the only one who does that. This game's so rubbish and boring, not up to my standards. Where the fuck do I go? This quest is locked. What happened to all the quests? Oh, these green things. Talk to Zenobia. No, okay, what is the main quest? I don't wanna do these stupid side quests. Oh, accidentally teleported.

Learn Repairer.

Maybe I should do that. I had the weirdest dream last night, a different dream. I was doing driving lessons again. My driving instructor was there and the car was really weird. Like I couldn't reach the pedals. I was pressing the brake, but the car wouldn't stop moving. That keeps happening in dreams.

A flying page must be around here somewhere. Revelio.

I don't know why I keep having nightmares about driving. And the same thing happens every time.

Professor, why must I—

They are me.

Good luck.

That was a waste of time. Do you know how much money I wasted learning to drive? Nearly £3,000. I knew that would be a waste. Why did I let people trick me, convince me into thinking I needed to know how to drive? It's like the most unimportant skill ever that people seem to think is really important. Oh my god, what do I do? It says go here.

How?

Oh, there's a minimap at the bottom with a line. Why didn't anyone tell me? You don't need it until you do. Yeah, but I don't see why I would ever need to drive. There's always taxis and trains. I had to go to immigration a couple weeks ago. I just took a taxi. Cost me like £4. I live right next to a train station as well. So if I had to go somewhere every day, says this is locked. Need to progress my studies. Before going to Hogsmeade. How did it cost £3K? I think he charged me— I forgot now— £30 a lesson, and I took— I think I took like 50 lessons. 50 times 30 is 100— 1,500. But then I spent 800 on car insurance for my mum's car. I have no idea what to do. It's telling me to go here, but she won't let me go out.

I don't think I can do this now. Best to come back.

I've always said that travel broadens the mind.

Speak to Ronan. I did, but then he told me to do something. How do I get there? Where is he? Visit Hogsmeade. Why won't it let me go there? Maybe just collect these and then level up. Handy resource indeed, your field guide. I'm most pleased to be included.

I like your pajamas.

Oh, she did comment on my clothing. I was saying earlier they would— they should say stuff about how you look.

Revelio, Louis.

Revelio.

Oh, there's one up there. Was that the book he wanted me to get? I think it was. How do I get back to him?

I don't think I'm ready for this just yet.

I don't know how to get back to that Ronin guy. Where is Professor Fig? I didn't mean to teleport there. Can you roam the open world? I think so, when I finish the tutorial stage. You can't imagine how inconvenient travel was before I invented flu powder.

Revelio!

No, this is the wrong place.

If only a new student would help me with my sad predicament.

Are you all right?

I look so stupid in her pajamas.

The girl whom everyone at school hates for no reason. Everyone hates because Hogwarts is full of bullies, and I wanted to make some new friends. My gobstone.

I'll be your friend.

Oh, rather. Haven't you any friends at school?

Not really. I'll be back to playing Snake Pit and Jackstone by myself.

Revelio!

What was that sound? Aha, I got all the books.

Nice.

So about Japan, I don't know where to live. Cheapest apartments I could find are about £1,000 to £1,200 a month, and then the guest house would be like £400-ish a month. But then I have to socialize. Capsule hotel could be like £500 or £600 a month.

Firsthand experience as you proceed to master new bits of magic.

The thing I'm worried about at a capsule hotel is where do I put my stuff? I don't want to carry around my laptop and everything in my bag. Hopefully they'll have a locker. Also, a lot of capsule hotels kick you out during the day for Cleaning. I found a few capsule hotels that look pretty nice. Also, the, the noise worries me. I don't know if I could sleep if I can hear people moving around. Yeah, I'm going to Osaka. I already booked the ticket. Try all the places? I am thinking of that, 'cause then I could have the experience. I want to try that fancy First Cabin Hotel again as well. What are you up to now? I went there before, I made a video, but I never stayed there overnight.

I'm looking around for places around the school for Zenobia's cobblestones.

Revelio!

It doesn't make it clear what you're supposed to do.

Isn't Sebastian's son his family's employee?

What's that mean?

Tried turning real life into a video, video game leveling up. How? Real life is like a really boring video game where it takes ages to do anything. Can't kill people. Not that I would. Killing people looks difficult and pointless. Most of these quests just like find random crap around the school. Living in an internet cafe. Yeah, I could try, but how can I turn it into content? I don't think I'd want to stream it because people would phone up the place or something, and they won't let filming— won't let you film that unless I do it secretly. So maybe I'll just book a couple nights, film the experience, and Post it where though? Don't think people care about it on the main channel. I don't know what people want to see really from the main channel because I don't think there's going to be any drama apart from Leaving my girlfriend clickbait.

This is the right area. I wonder where the flying page is.

Oh, it's there. Was that all I had to do? Why did it take me so long?

I completed the assignments, Professor.

Marvelous.

You clearly know your way around basic Yeah, it was so hard pressing the number four button.

Remember, your wand is a conduit of your magic.

F. I press different buttons. Reparo. So now I can fix the statue.

Guides about the game.

You'd better keep an eye out.

What kind of guides can I do? How to strip your character. People make all kinds of videos spamming out Hogwarts Legacy stuff. This one channel, he's making so many videos, like first 10 minutes in Hogwarts, first 20 minutes as a dark wizard, high-end Hogwarts Legacy gameplay, 10 things you need to know before you play Hogwarts Legacy. 5 things you might not know. You can make your character naked.

Not really.

Oh yeah, they do comment on your— how how your appearance is. That's cool. I didn't think they would do that. Do you like my pajamas? Okay, so what do I do now? I don't know if I can go to Hogsmeade yet. I keep getting lost. Everywhere looks the same.

I'd better keep an eye on high places around the school for Zenobia's cobblestones.

I thought I already got this one.

Lumos. Hello, I don't believe we've met. Oh, hello.

Oh, hello.

Pardon me, everyone thinks I'm utterly bald.

That's what American people think British people sound like.

If I know Hogwarts, and I do, an empty frame doesn't appear.

Have you gained any insights about the painting?

Mila Fatbottom. Cracks me up every time.

If I have the time, I may look. Could be intriguing. I've been racking my—

Who saw Ginny T. White get robbed again in Argentina? A guy on a motorbike grabbed her phone when she was streaming, and people calling her dumb for not thinking that would happen. The motorbike guy rode off with the stream still streaming. It's pretty funny. Imagine he docks his own house because he didn't know it was streaming. Discover the secret. Level one lock. So many random things to do here. Oh, I got new pajamas! Outfit. This one looks less sexy. Legendary nightwear. Oh, it does give you points. This one has 6 defense. I could sell it for money as well. Let's see. Alohomora. I don't have that spell. I feel like I'm kind of getting into it. I like how you can find secrets and get loot. Adding the loot definitely was a good move. I like loot. Games feel pointless if you can't loot stuff.

Rebellion.

What's this? Haha, you can shoot them. Maybe I can go to Hog— can I?

Hello, looking for me?

Yes. Natty, I hope I haven't kept you waiting long.

Not at all. Professor Weasley tells me that you need to go to Hogsmeade. You must be eager to have your own thing.

I've been looking forward to it.

Good. Shall we set off? I intend to give you a first-rate Hogsmeade experience.

When's the game gonna get good? Interesting British accent. I think she must be from the colonies. 1890. What was happening in the world in 1890? Actually, 1890 was when the Boer War happened. The Boer War. Why is it pronounced boar when it's spelled Boer? I was glad the British Empire—

really?

Yes, I had planned to extend descendants of slavery.

I thought you might enjoy a butterbeer in the village. The timing of Professor Weasley's hour was perfect.

Wow, I didn't realize 1890s England was so multicultural. Pretty sure it would have been very racist back then. There'd be like, no, no blacks can learn magic. Do you think multiculturalism is bad? I kind of feel like it is. Don't you think that the more multicultural a country is, the more racism there is? I don't really feel like multicultural countries are more Tolerant.

Oh wait, over here. I often spot lacewing flies in this area.

Oh, what's so special?

I feel like there'd be less racism if everyone was just the same race, because you couldn't be racist. The world does look quite nice.

Look, from the Forbidden Forest! Hippogriffs! I wonder if something started them.

I like how much debate there is in the comment section of my PewDiePie video about race. That's probably why the video is doing so well. It's got good natural engagement. When a video gets good natural engagement, it already helps it get more views. There's this stupid algorithm. It's like, oh wow, people like this video.

To students, as the name implies.

Why is it off limits?

The professors claim it is too dangerous. I think that calling it forbidden only makes it more alluring. Ah, there's Hogsmeade over the crest.

Hoggy what? Oh, is that where the train is on the movie?

I confess I was surprised when Professor Weasley mentioned that you knew the area since you're relatively new here.

She said that?

Oh, can I get run over?

She knows more about me than I had thought. I will say, while I certainly learn a great deal Even in class, much can be gleaned outside of the castle walls.

Opening Pokémon cards? Um, I don't know, maybe. Those Pokémon channels definitely get views.

I remember the weeks that followed my arrival seemed quite strange.

Pokémon cards are quite cheap, aren't they?

To get the packs.

The game's so laggy.

Hogwarts has become something of a home now, I would say. Hopefully it will for you too.

It doesn't feel smooth. There's no way my laptop can't handle this. This is a $2,000 pro gaming laptop, and I have the graphics at medium, not high. What's happened to this tree? Look at that. Why is it all glitched looking? Weird colored pixels on it. It looks funny. Settings too high? It's already on medium. If I put it too low— Where the graphics low? Oh my God! Oh, it was just loading. I thought that was the graphics. There was like no texture. Uh, oh yeah, it is a bit better now. Maybe my laptop is old. I did buy this laptop in 2021, so it's getting on to its second year of life.

Rumors being what they are about goblins and such, it might be nice to have a friend with you.

I'll keep that in mind.

Maybe I need a new laptop.

Hogsmeade. It is hard to know where to start.

It is hard to know where to start.

And you can get any sweets you can imagine at Honeydukes. I could not choose a favorite shop here. It changes with every visit. I can't tell you That you are certain to find everything you need in Hogsmeade.

What's happening over there? Look at that nice glitch. I'm gonna clip that for my YouTube video. This game is so glitchy.

To get potion recipes, spellcraft, some seeds, and a new wand. Of course you will enjoy, Mr. Oliver.

What do you mean you enjoy him? Sounds kind of sexual. How do you enjoy a person? Enjoy my fat bottom. Okay, I can get a haircut. Oh nice, I might go and get a haircut actually. So I look stupid with this hair. I want to change my character's appearance a bit. So I want to get a hot boyfriend at Hogwarts. Gotta look nice. Can I go into every shop? Oh wow.

Rebellion!

Why does this look like The Sims? It's like Sims magic extension pack. No, I don't want to spend time here. Okay, get a haircut.

Hello, come in, come in. Welcome to Madame Snelling's Tress Emporium. I'm sure I've no need to introduce myself. They used to call me Snelly. Oh, Snelly, why aren't you studying to be an aura?

But, but look at you.

Why not?

Do I have to pay for this? I guess I do.

What is it you might be interested in?

I want to get bigger boobs. Or I can get an afro. Oh, I need to pay money. Get an afro. Why are they all afros? They put all the black hairstyles at the top, didn't they? Can I change my hair color? I want brown hair. Sick and tired of black hair.

Mousy brown.

Can't rotate the character around. Oh, these hairstyles suck. Why are they all boys' haircuts? Wasn't this the one I had before? Actually, it does look a bit like my sister. I just noticed it looks a bit like my sister now. That actually does look a lot like my sister, even the hairstyle. It's like when she was early 20s, I think. I can't rotate her, can I? Change her eye color. Am I gonna refund it? I can't refund it now, I played over 2 hours. I have to commit. Ah, I don't know what hair to get. Maybe I'll just get that. That's the same as what I had before. Yeah, maybe I'll get that. It looks like Mida's haircut. I look so derpy. Can I get surgery? Plastic surgery? Why am I hunched over like this? I look so weird. Her face looks so dumb looking. Her expression looks funny. She looks retarded. Can I steal the money? Oh, is that money? What's that? Nothing happens. Oh, I just stole her money! I stole 2 coins. Okay, that's all I can do, I think. I don't know if I like this hair. She looks stupid actually. I like it when she has a forehead.

What is it you might be interested in?

I want a new haircut. Maybe this one looks better. I can't rotate it. I want to see what the back looks like. Isn't that what I had when I came in? I think it was. Should I get purple hair? Yeah, I think this is better. Hmm, she looks stupid. Oh, restart the game. I hate being ugly. What else do they have? Wizardwear. Maybe I'll go there. What's that sound? Oh, I got a follower. We could buy some clothing. Maybe they have something sexier.

Those aren't so bad. I don't mind the odd one with that.

Revelio. I keep getting stuck on things like that. How do I talk to him? How do I open this?

Prepare.

Accio!

Leviosa!

Revelio!

Lumos!

Oh dear, I'm not sure what kind of look you call that. It won't let me talk to him. Why can't I talk to him?

Rebellion.

See, there's no F interact button.

button.

Okay, where should we go now? Scriven Shafts Quill Shop. It's fun, you can shoot the cats. Why am I getting calls saying you're putting your penis in the vacuum cleaner? What? I have never done that. It seems stupid to do that. How would that feel good? Just having your dick sucked doesn't feel good. Feels good when a girl's sucking it because it's like Rubbing on the inside of her mouth and tongue. Girls don't actually suck though, do they, when they give you a BJ? I don't know, actually. Well, they do kind of, but not in the same way a vacuum cleaner sucks. Okay, where should I go now? I need to get the wand, don't I? Ollivanders. I want to knock his books over like in GTA to make them drop stuff. Oh, I got a coat. Very fancy. There's no sexy clothing.

I'll be right with. Ah, it's you. Um, just a moment, please.

Hello, sir.

I'm looking for for a new wand. Yes, it's about time.

Yes, I thought I already had a wand.

Well, you're our new fifth year student, are you not? Oh, what am I saying? Of course you are. Gerbold Ollivander's the name. But of course, you'll have heard of the Ollivanders, I'm sure. Finest wand makers in the world. It's a pleasure to meet you, truly. Now come with me, let's find you the perfect wand, shall we? No, no, no, no, not you.

So I can customize my wand. Wand style.

Curious indeed.

Wood type. Red oak.

How intriguing.

I can choose a length. 9.5 inches. 14 inches. Flexibility? Why does this matter? Slightly springy, bendy, brittle, unbending.

How intriguing.

This is so weird and meaningless. Uh, so what kind of wand should I make? One that doesn't look like a weird dildo. Maybe this one. Wand core options: dragon heartstring, unicorn hair, phoenix feather. Powerful magic, consistent magic, great range of magic. Does this actually have an effect on how you play the game? Yes, powerful magic.

Is most powerful and learns quickly. Ah, phoenix feather. Exceptionally rare, and a core with a strong sense of initiative. What do you think?

I have a white wand. Stick it up my bum.

Extraordinary!

Another wand, another beginning of a bright and magical. Now, how did that feel?

Good. Different. I sensed a sort of surge of some kind.

A match. Your connection seemed particularly powerful. The right wand will learn from you just as you learn from it.

I'm eager to try it out.

I would I imagine so. A wand with a dragon heartstring core is capable of dazzling magic, and the bond between you and your wand should only grow stronger. Do not be surprised at your new wand's ability to perceive your intentions, particularly in a moment of need.

That sounds wonderful, Mr. Ollivander.

I'll let you get to it. Do come and see me again if ever I can be of Further assistance.

Where's that evil guy with the top hat? Oh, look, I got a white wand now. Okay, visit Tomes and Scrolls.

Keep muggles out. Engage the woodcut.

White wands are the most powerful, apparently. So where do I go? Why does it not tell you where to go?

Uh-huh.

Here. I'm hungry. I'm getting hungrier more these days. I was skipping lunch for a while, but now I just— I get so hungry at lunchtime. Need protein.

Matilda student.

I take it you've had a conjuring lesson then?

I'm afraid I haven't yet, sir.

Do I get sleepy after a good meal? Yeah, usually after dinner, but I feel very tired.

Spellcrafts come in.

That's certainly something to aspire to, Mr. Brown. I look forward to that day.

And I too, seeing it. Spellcrafts are incredibly useful Useful for conjuring unique items. Let's look at what we have, shall we?

Potting table. What's this for?

If you're interested, feel free to take a look around.

Conjure tea-shaped potions. Mm-hmm. Pippin's Potions and the Magic Kneep.

Those that go to Azkaban never heard of that.

Why do game developers think gamers want to do this stuff? This is not fun. Just give me the damn stuff so I can play the game.

What can I do for you today?

Give me the damn potion recipe.

Feel free to take a look at the rest of my inventory or come back another time. If you're in a rush today.

Seems like there's a lot of potions and stuff. What, what's the point of all this stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. I think after I visit this last one, that bad guy appears. Magic Neep. Where is it? This feels a bit like that New World MMO, actually. Getting New World vibes.

Well, hello there.

Why didn't I livestream New World? Would have been fun.

Pardon me, sir. I'm here for the seeds Professor Weasley arranged for me to collect.

Oh, the dittily!

Oh, girlfriend misses me.

Not everyone has the temperament to take things as they come.

Name's Timothy Teasdale, by the way, and this is my shop, the Magic Knee. Magic Paints. Can't very well be in the thick of things if I'm making my way inside now, can I? She asked if I bought my plane ticket. Should I say not yet, or should I say yes? Maybe I'll just say yes. Yeah, I bought it today. I think we can look for the best ticket. I already bought it. Maybe she still wants to come. She said she feels really sad.

Why?

Ugh. I don't know if I feel sad about having to leave. I feel annoyed I have to leave my nice apartment and live in some stupid guest house. Because you're never told everything that you want to do. What does that mean? You're never told everything that you want to do. I told you already.

Ugh.

What's she whining about now? Buy my seeds. You never told you will buy the ticket today.

Do have a look around.

Plenty of ingredients to pique your interest, I'd wager.

I just told you.

Well, that's everything.

Better go and find Nettie.

I just told you now, and you let me alone. She's being annoying. Because you don't want to buy your ticket. Now she says she wants to buy a ticket. I don't think it's too late to go on the same flight. If she just buys a ticket from the same— I don't know, if I bought a ticket that departs at 2 PM, for example, and from AirAsia. If she just buys the same ticket with the same departure date, wouldn't that be on the same plane? It surely won't be a different plane, would it? But we might not get to sit next to each other. Will you buy it? I'm not paying another £600 for her ticket. The thing is, if she comes, I'm gonna have to book a hotel instead of a capsule hotel.

Meet Natty.

Why do I have to buy seeds? What do you even do with seeds? Be cool if you can grow plants and then you come back a few hours later and then you can do stuff like adding stuff to the soil, fertilizers, and then it grows into something random. Her legs look so weird when she runs. Like, they're too long and pointy.

I have everything. I see what you meant about not being able to pick a favorite shop.

We should walk around a bit more, perhaps today.

Trot away from the building!

Away from the building!

Control to dodge? That's so hard to press control. I gotta bend my little finger all the way backwards to reach control. What would be good for dodge? Dodge. I'm not pressing Ctrl. Do people not know how your fingers look like? Why do game developers want you to use your little finger? It's the most irritating finger to use.

Where's Dodge?

Map, tool wheel. Oh my God, how do I change it? Fine, I'll press control. Keep active, we have to wear him down.

Take him. What was that?

I think this would be better with a controller.

Trying to beat him at his own game.

I like it, do more of it.

It's not very comfortable using keyboard. Took him long enough. I think roll should be— what is it on Elden Ring? I can't move my fingers around quick enough. Invoke ancient magic.

Goodness, a second troll! Did you two take on a fully grown troll? By yourselves?

I suppose so. It's all a bit of a blur, to be honest.

Merlin's beard! Are you all right?

We are, and we were glad to help.

I'd say help is a bit of an understatement. Nerve like that, the makings of an Auror, if you ask me. If you are unharmed, perhaps the two of you wouldn't mind helping me put a few things back to where they were.

Of course, Auror. Officer Singer.

Officer Singer. And thank you again.

Her face is so ugly when she's casting spells. Look at her face.

Prepare. Yes, ma'am.

Where's the last damage to repair?

Here?

I want to change the controls. I don't like it. How do you change dodge? There's no dodge on here. Mounts, spells and actions. Dodge. I want dodge to be F, but interact is F. Hmm, I think interact should be Q, but that's Protego. I can use my mouse button. Interact, Q. can be G. Oh, that's heal. Oh, I need more buttons. Interact can be G. Heal can be X. Oh, that's ancient magic. Ancient magic can be mouse button on the side. I forgot what the buttons are now.

Dodge—

what'd I put dodge to? Dodge is F, Protego is Q. Where's that spell that throws things? Ah, Z. Maybe I'll put that to mouse button 4. Okay, that should be good. Yeah, that's way better. Imagine using your little finger to dodge. I want to use my index finger. And E to sprint.

We were just talking about you.

Hello, sir. I don't believe we've met.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Augustus Hill, clothier extraordinaire. I should like to thank you for your remarkable bravery in fighting those trolls, and not to mention your help restoring Hogsmeade to its rightful state.

I was happy to help.

Frankly, you deserve an Order of Merlin, but I can offer you something much more useful. I own Gladrag's Wizardwear, and among my inventory are some unique items that afford certain protections, as it were.

Life-saving protections.

And as I suspect this won't be your last dangerous encounter, I'd like to give you one such set of robes in thanks for what you did today.

Thank you, sir.

That's very generous.

Don't want robes, I want a bikini. Traditional school robe. Yeah, I guess I could buy it. It looks the same as the Gryffindor robe. I would like to get a scarf. I can't afford it. Can I sell stuff? Oh, I can. Oh, I could sell this ugly spider hat and sell these nightwear things. I want to buy— hmm, oh my god, I look so ugly. I want to buy this scarf, I think.

What an extraordinary introduction to Hogsmeade. I would say that—

Get a PS5? No, I'm an epic PC gamer. It just lagged because I minimized it and I went to look at my Twitch dashboard. It's fine now. How do I take off this stupid robe. But it looks the same as this robe. It's exactly the same traditional school robe. I want to wear my scarf. And where are my pajamas? No, I might wear this schoolgirl outfit. I want to change my shoes. Wand handle. Looks like a massive chopstick. I don't think the fashion in the 1890s Was that sexy?

Plenty for your perusal today. Take your time.

I can't see it because she's standing behind the counter. Kind of silly. I want to get a kawaii Joshi Kosei outfit. They all look like granny's clothing. What is that? Rustic garb? That's just brown. Okay, enough with the clothing. Let's move on. Why doesn't it let me sprint?

Assuming it is not too busy, you might even meet Sirona, the owner. She is a charming hostess and a powerful witch.

Good one to know.

You said you could get to the child when they came to Hogsmeade, that all you needed was a distraction. I gave you a distraction.

I just watched a student take down your distraction.

Who's this child? What are you not telling me?

All you need to know is But if you cannot get to the child, then you have no value to me.

Let's go.

Did they see us?

I don't think so.

What was that goblin doing with Victor Rookwood?

Ranrok is working with Rookwood, the goblin from the Daily Bugle. Prophet!

I knew I'd seen him somewhere. Quickly, let's get inside the Three Broomsticks.

It's a treat to see you, Lodgok. I shall let you know if I hear anything. Why does she have a man's voice?

You be well.

Oh, is it just very deep woman's voice? They look so dumb, those goblins. Now, what can I— oh, there's a face I haven't seen before. Is that a man's voice?

It's my first time here.

Welcome.

Butterbeers on me. Heard about the attack. I shall be looking in on the other shopkeepers and residents shortly. She's trans.

What?

J.K. Rowling wouldn't be happy with that.

Well done.

Thank you for this.

I bet they only put a trans character in so all the stupid fans can be like, oh look, the game's not transphobic. It's never happened before. Something's not right. The only brutes we usually have to deal with are Potter. Why doesn't my character have a name?

Oh, I do.

It's Mila Fat Bottom. No one says my name.

Your clientele's not what it used to be, Sirona.

Not to worry, Victor. Once the two of you leave, the caliber of my clientele will greatly improve. I wouldn't do that if I were you, Theophilus.

Come now, no need for theatrics. I'm only here for this one anyway.

Transgender in 1890s.

I only want a quick word.

Perhaps you didn't hear me. I said my friend is busy.

One would think you all had enough bloodshed for one day.

Come, Theophilus, the Three Broomsticks is what it used to be. Let's take our galleons elsewhere. Can't drink butterbeer forever.

They should have made the bad guy transphobic. That'd be funny. Why don't they make bad guys racist or stuff like that in games? What if he drops the end bomb? The end word.

What are you not telling me?

I promised to tell you everything. It's perhaps best I do that later.

I think that now might be a good time to head back to the castle.

Peanuts.

Does anything happen if I drink the Butterbeer? I had Butterbeer with Chihiro at USJ. It just tastes like really sweet soda. I thought butter— I mean, there's no such thing I think it's Butterbeer, but I thought it'd be like a load of butter in a beer and it'd be sweet. Can I go upstairs?

Rebellion!

Do you remember Chris Broad commented on my video? He said, Great, now take her to USJ and get the Butterbeer. And I did. Then I cheated. Okay, back to Hogsmeade. Do I recommend the game? I don't know, I feel like the game hasn't actually begun yet. It's too much hand-holding. Go here, go there, follow this person. When do I actually get to play? Now what do I do? Fast travel to the common room.

Gryffindor.

I haven't played the game, I'm just running around. When does the gameplay start? I've been playing for nearly 4 hours now. It's a good way to get people to not refund it, I guess. Look at the reflection. Wow, great graphics. Open field guide.

I see you, my young friend.

Revelio.

So far, I give it a 4.2 out of 10. Lacking in luster. What's this? Map of Scotland.

Lumos. Revelio.

As an avid fan of Harry Potter, the lack of Harry Potters in the game severely disappoints me. Well, I can go into the toilets. Laboratory, not for the meek.

Rebellion.

He tried to stop me, this rancorous carp, sought to trap me, confine me inside of a jar. But he failed, as did his containment jars. So I took my revenge to wreak havoc and harm. It was granted my privileges.

Be handsome indeed, or I'd fire up again.

So she agreed.

You memorized your script? Yeah, pretty much. As an avid fan of Harry Potter, I knew I just had to play this game. Unfortunately, so far it's been bland, boring, and uninspired. There's just something lacking in luster. The gameplay is not up to my standards. I've always said— A severe lack of birdo. It's also severely disturbing. The graphical fidelity is also lacking. In 2.5 lusters. Professor Figgy.

Professor, I'm glad to see you.

And I you. Thank Merlin you're in one piece. I heard about the attack. Trolls in Hogsmeade?

Sir, the trolls were wearing armor. It had that dark glow like the dragon Goblin silver.

Ranrok used it to control the dragon.

But how?

Yeah, there's a lot less students now. Is that because I put the graphics to low?

I overheard Ranrok talking with Victor Rookwood.

Ranrok was in Hogsmeade with Rookwood?

The trolls were Ranrok's distraction so that Rookwood could get to me, and he would have had Sirona and the patrons at the Three Broomsticks not intervened.

This is great news indeed. If Ranrok's goblins—

Oh wow, I got raided with a party of 2. How generous.

They're after the locket. You said you discovered something in it.

Yes, yes, I discovered an inscription. When I read it aloud, this—

it's Talk too much. Now what do I do? So far the entire game's just been fetch quests. Go here and go there. When can I kill some people? I wish you could just jump off the edge. It would save a lot of time.

Revelio! I'm here about the new spell you wanted to teach me, Professor.

Good.

Professor Fig indicated a certain urgency to you completing your defensive magic assignments. As such, you are to When's Daniel coming to Japan?

Next month.

Seems so soon. I guess it is. Just 6 weeks, I think. It's nearly been a month since I came back from Vietnam already. Vietnam was so exhausting. Traveling with your girlfriend is so tiring. She kept complaining all the time when I Spent money on taxis. As if £5 is a lot of money. What are my plans for Japan? I want to try and sell some stuff like my camera, so I've been googling camera stores that I could take it to. What's that? And I want to get a bicycle as well, do some bike streams. Maybe I'll do that on Twitch or you— I don't know, maybe YouTube. Biking, biking around Osaka.

Can I help you?

Sebastian told me to see you about a club. If Sebastian vouches for you, that's all I need to know.

I coordinate duels across France.

What else I want to do?

Hmm, I don't know. What, what should I do in Japan?

We'll make you regret signing up.

I don't really care about doing anything, to be honest. Yeah, I don't know if I like the gameplay. It's just like spamming a load of spells. Wait, which button did I put dodge on? It's just like spamming this spell and then— oh, I lost. It's The Thai girl coming to Japan? I hope not, but I think she wants to because she, she seems really sad that we're gonna be apart for a bit.

Yes.

But even if she comes, we're still gonna be apart. I'm not going to Japan for one week and then coming back here. I want to spend at least a few months in Japan, but she'll be upset if I said that. A few months is a long time. But I feel like I need a break from her for a bit. I keep getting hit. How do I heal? If she comes, I don't think we're gonna spend much time in Osaka. I'll just take her to Kyoto, Nara, get some— maybe go to Kobe. Kobe beef. It's nothing really to see in Osaka. Apart from USJ, some people like Dotonbori. That place in Chris's video looks quite nice, that very old-looking town, but that's like 6 hours by train. Win two rounds.

Hello, Lucan. Is the next round of crossed ones all set?

Why?

I'm ready.

I should take her to maybe an onsen or a ryokan.

Ready to get thrashed?

Ryokan. It's gonna be embarrassing speaking Japanese in front of her. Maybe I'll just not speak Japanese. Pretty sure they can speak English anyway. I think spacebar should be dodge, shouldn't it? Gotta keep pressing these random buttons.

Come on.

It's hard pressing the number buttons to do different spells. This would be better on a controller, I think. Perhaps one day I'll sign up for a round.

Bravo!

I gave it my all.

You did indeed. The other duelists have already taken notice of you, but after that last The next round is for all the gobstones, so to speak.

Hello, Lucan.

May I use? Of course.

Ready to have a try?

Actually, I'm.

Rebellion.

Hmm, what do I do now? Complete a round of spell combination practice. Okay.

Hello, Luke.

What did That would be wonderful.

Keep trying.

Good one.

Excellent form!

Yeah, he is.

That's it!

I'd say that—

Thank you, Lucan.

Assignment's all finished.

I guess the magic system's not bad. It's kind of interesting how you can do different combos.

Seems I'm out of the tournament thanks to you.

I trust Mr. Brattleby was able to accommodate you.

I finished all of the tasks you gave me, Professor Hackett.

Glad to hear it. Then you should be ready to learn Incendio.

Should be, Professor?

Yes. I'm sorry to say, I visited enough careless colleagues at St. Mungo's to assure you that fire is a fickle servant. Your spellcasting has impressed me thus far, but please maintain focus. I would rather we not end today's lesson with your robes aflame. Let us begin. And remember—

For some reason, none of my Hogwarts Legacy videos are getting search result views. It's like it's shadow banned or something. Oh, that was close.

Good work.

So now I can shoot fire. Maybe I'll use that instead of the light thing. Girlfriend messaged me. I don't know what she's saying. I want to know what your relationship with me is like. Can you let me know so I could understand? I want it to be clear. Don't be afraid. I will regret it. You are my girlfriend. Is that what she wants to hear? Asking stupid questions again.

Keep at it, and do try not to incinerate yourself.

She's probably feeling very insecure right now. Maybe she thinks I'm just gonna leave her. Maybe I would if I get a Japanese girlfriend. Younger, more attractive. Who would say no to getting a more attractive girlfriend?

Hello, sir. You'll be pleased to know that—

him?

That—

so shall we proceed?

Fig, I have work for you. Come.

Headmaster, I'm with a student and my schedule—

your schedule will wait indefinitely, as will your student.

I would think that I I thought after all the trouble you caused me with Osric, you'd be eager to make amends.

My office, 5 minutes.

That man is exasperating. Unfortunately, our trip to the restricted section will have to wait a bit longer.

But Professor—

We have no choice.

It would be unwise to provoke our illustrious Headmaster further. I shall find you when I've completed whatever toils I must endure.

I think I could afford to get an apartment. It would cost maybe £1,000. Usually I make about £1,600 or £1,700. You left her to go back to England and play Harry Potter games. What do you mean? I'm in Thailand. I'm not in England, and I haven't left her.

Sebastian mentioned sneaking into the restricted section. Perhaps he'll have an idea.

Yeah, I'm still in Thailand. Why'd you think I'm in England? Perhaps you can help me. She said, I want us to talk enough. About what?

Sebastian!

I was hoping to see you.

I was in the Three Broomsticks after the troll attack and saw what happened with Rookwood and Harlow.

Seems he's—

Ranrock!

And when were you at Gringotts?

Professor Fig and I ended up there after the dragon attack. It's quite the tale. Fig had this portkey—

Portkey?

To Gringotts?

I'm not sure I follow.

I barely follow myself, and I was there. Anyway, we ended up in a—

You can't be serious.

Deadly.

Understood.

Thank you, Sebastian.

See there?

That's the door we need to reach. And those annoying prefects would love nothing more than to rattle us to Scribner, so don't let them see us.

Understood?

I can be sneaky. Let's go.

I don't think there's any way to escape. get a cheap apartment as a tourist. Even Airbnb is not that cheap. The best option is really a guesthouse if you want to get Japanese rent prices. Most apartments in Japan for a Japanese person would be about ¥50,000, ¥60,000.

Give it a try.

Which is— I think it's like $500 or $600. You'll never get that price as a tourist for an apartment. She said everything that you or me plan I want our relationship to be stable. I think it's stable. You are special to me too.

Kiss.

The only one who's not stable is her. I'm the most stable person ever because I'm not really emotionally invested.

You should have known better than to cross my path.

I'm barely emotionally invested in this relationship. Oh, I have to sneak. Can't I just kill them? I think if I was in the guest house, I would be able to do this streaming, but I'd have to talk very quietly like this, maybe. Otherwise people would hear me. How do I sneak then? Sneak to the library.

I shall protect you.

Run behind them. Oh crap, go, go, go! I also don't want to dox my guest house either. They'll start messaging the manager weird stuff, won't they? I said usually, but it'll still be all right.

Do you see her desk behind me? The The key is in the drawer of that desk. Now, here's what we're going to do. I'll create a distraction to draw her away. You focus on getting the key. I'll meet you outside of the restricted section.

You distract, I get the key. Understood?

I said I'd get you in, and I always keep my word.

Trust me.

The key!

Here it is!

Is someone there?

Is that you, please?

That wasn't so difficult after all. Now, to find that book.

Oh, that one's charmed to look more useful than it is. It's fooled me twice. Never judge a tome by its cover, I say.

Thing I'm worried about is when I'm in Japan, she's gonna keep trying to phone me, isn't she? Before we met, she constantly wanted to do phone calls and video calls.

You asked, but must we encounter students at all hours of the day and night?

Well, get a call girl into the guest house. I guess I could. It would just look like I'm bringing a friend to my room. I mean, that would be pretty weird, wouldn't it? Bringing a call girl to the guest house. Wait, I lost the invisibility. thing. Isn't he going to get seen?

If you're a mortal, you'd best turn back.

Ah, what? I hate these stupid sneaking missions. If I blocked her, the only other way she could contact me is by a phone number, so I'd have to like snap the SIM card up. Those are the only 2 ways she can contact me.

Oh, that one's charm looks more useful than it is. It's fooled me twice.

I think it'd be pretty easy. She doesn't know my email address. She doesn't know my real name.

Should be in the clear now.

No need for us to keep holding on.

So what is it you've been looking for?

I'm looking for a cure to help my twin sister, Anne, so that she can return to Hogwarts. Because Merlin knows everyone else has given up.

Why do you think you'll find a cure in the Restricted section. Does the Hogwarts matron have nothing that can help?

No, we've tried everyone from Nurse Blaine to St. Mungo's, but I can research on my own. No need to concern yourself with that.

Be honest with her. That'd be hard. I feel bad telling her I want to break up. I'd only want to break up if I'm impressed. I'm having more fun in Japan, and I don't want to go back to Thailand.

Who have we here?

Sebastian Saroni! Life in Japan will definitely be way more expensive if I don't go to a guest house. But if I can make more money by having my own space from making videos, then it might be worth it. Making videos is going to be hard if I live in a guest house.

Blasted peas!

I can't make my usual troll videos which get me the most views. I think I could stream, but I can't show anything and I'd have to be very quiet.

When it comes to disciplinary matters, besides, I like having friends who are in my debt. Now go. Good luck in your search. Now where has that damned poltergeist got to?

My best performing videos are stuff like when I have like a troll bad opinion about a trending topic. But I need complete silence, and I need to feel like I'm alone. If I, if I can hear the presence or sense the presence of people nearby, it really just destroys my confidence. So making videos would be tough in a guest house. And I don't think travel videos in Japan would work. I could try some net cafe videos maybe, but I think my best types of video is just me trolling.

Traces of ancient magic. That's it, there must be more to this room.

So I'm tempted to get myself my own apartment, even if it costs more money. The apartment's double the price, almost triple the guest house. I wouldn't make OnlyFans in the apartment because that could get me in trouble, so I'd probably make it in a love hotel. I'd probably just go to a love hotel for a few hours, do what Venus Angelic does.

Let me enter.

Prepare.

Incendio! See, the puzzles in this game is just basically randomly spam every spell until you pick the right spell.

Not surprising. Guards at the ready.

What's that shiny thing?

Oh, ow.

Oh, where's heal?

X.

I think the game would have been more fun if it was Like World of Warcraft, just click a spell, it casts. It's kind of like that, you click it and it does damage. But for some reason, I don't know, it's okay. Maybe it just feels like you're spamming random stuff all the time. It was going to be an online game. Oh, I fell off. Yeah, I thought it would be way better if it was an MMO like New World, and then you could team up and do dungeons. Do I have to jump? Oh, it moves. I don't think I've played any Harry Potter games. I might have played the first one when I was a kid, I don't remember.

Whoa, this must be the way forward, but to where?

Nearly there.

That's Keep my wits about me.

Why does the fire one not do anything? Maybe I need to be close. Oh, I nearly died. I'm out of potions. I keep pressing the wrong button. I think it's Elden Ring with the dodge button. Oh, I died. No, I didn't.

Incendio Leviosa.

I'm gonna die. Ah, there's too many. I don't think fire does anything to them. Ah, I keep pressing space instead of roll. Did it again.

Take her!

Ah, why is it so hard now? I should put the difficulty level down. I don't have any spells where you can push them. I've got one that pulls them. Equipping better gear with higher stats— maybe I actually need to equip my gear. Do glasses have stats? Oh, they do. 13 defense. Maybe my robe has stats. 5— 7 offense. I don't have talents yet. That could make the game interesting. Maybe I need to use a different spell. I don't have many. Oh, you need to be close for Incendio to work.

Incendio.

Oh, he just killed his own guy. I feel like I'm more powerful now. I equipped stuff. Ah, I fell off the edge. Oh, I'm still alive. I think I need to change the buttons for roll. See, if you do a pull, then you do the fire thing. It's pretty good.

It is a book after all.

I think I'll change the buttons. I will put dodge onto spacebar, and then I'll put jump onto F.

Yeah.

Okay, I think the combat might be quite fun.

Boring.

Skip. What day is it? It's Wednesday today, isn't it? Thursday, Friday. I need to do one more YouTube stream. I think I'll call it—

Sebastian!

I'm going to Japan soon. Why I'm leaving Thailand. I want to get to level 10, see if I get talents. I'm level 7 now. What I do. Imagine how inconvenient travel was before I invented blue powder. Could have just teleported. There, I think.

You cannot be serious.

Goblins working with Rookwood?

Makes no sense.

It is rather unorthodox, to say the least.

Unorthodox? It's inconceivable. It's—

ah, Fig.

You have a visitor. I'll see what I can find out.

Sir, I was able to search the restricted section while you were with Professor Black. It was a book we were after.

What?

That's—

wait, you accessed the restricted section?

But how?

Thinking on it, perhaps it's best you spare me the details.

Fair enough. In fact, the book was below the restricted section.

I want to hear everything. First, let's have a look. Oh, oh dear. Some of these pages seem to be missing. It appears someone has got to the book before us. Still, I will need time to study what remains. Perhaps we can still salvage something useful. That may take some time.

Is this game worth buying? Hmm, it's hard to say.

I've been playing for I'll see what I can learn about the missing—

About 4 hours and I still feel like the game hasn't even started. It's just running here and running there and talking to this person and that person. The whole game feels like a tutorial. When's the actual meat of the game gonna begin? They make it frustrating to find out where to go next. What do I do? Main quests— no main quests available.

Professor Fig and Weasley have asked that I. Teach you an additional defensive spell. Please complete the assignments I have given you, and then see me in my classroom.

See, it's still like a tutorial.

Even 4 hours into the game, teaching me how to play. I think I've unlocked the open world now, so I can go to the world map. Wow, it's actually pretty big. You've got Pit upon Ford.

Hogsmeade.

The girl from Wagadu. Aranshire. Wow, it's pretty big. Jesus. How big the place is. So we could go there. It's quite far away. You have to walk the whole way. When do I get the broom? 500 things in that way. Meet Natty Onai.

Revelio. Revelio.

Why does it look so faded? Oh my god, I have to run the whole way? There should be an auto run. This is why I hate open world. The world is just very boring. How do I get down there? Why does every game have to be open world these days? Even that new Sonic game's open world. Use fire? Oh yeah, I thought I had to lift it.

This could prove dangerous if I'm not careful.

This is like Elden Ring now, isn't it, with the dungeons? This feels a lot like Elden Ring. Oh, I got a hat. See if it's got stats. Whoa, but it makes my hair disappear. Fine, is that it? Just for the hat? What's this? I think that was just for the hat.

Okay. Incendio. Incendio.

Flip a dugbok onto its back. How?

Ma'am, I think you could use some assistance.

Hello, can I help you?

Oh, thank goodness.

Yes, my name Is Grace Pinch Smedley of the Bath Pinch?

No, I don't want to go underwater. Don't like swimming in games.

Returned.

I'm so sorry.

A treasured family asset. It's my best guess. I do hope you. Find the astrolabe. It would mean so much to Arthur.

Sounds as if her astrolabe is just northeast of the dock. My shadow.

It is good to see you, my friend.

Hello, Natty. How are you?

I look so dumb now.

From our rather eventful trip to Hogwarts.

Why does my hair disappear?

But I have been worried about you, my friend. With Ranrok and Rookwood and Harlow after you.

I'm all right at the moment.

We did not speak. about it at the time, but I am hoping now you might tell me why they were looking for you.

They want something that Professor Fig and I found at Gringotts.

When were you at Gringotts?

Just before we came to Hogwarts. In fact, it's why I was late to the Sorting Ceremony. The Portkey brought us there after the dragon attacked our carriage.

What on earth?

There's one more thing. It's a bit odd, if I'm honest. Professor Fig says I have a rare connection to a powerful form of ancient magic.

Is that the magic you used fighting the trolls in Hogsmeade?

I think so. I'm still learning, but I can see traces of it, and I've cast magic I can't otherwise explain.

I know that it is—

Good.

Then I overheard some of you in. Be on your guard.

I take your heart.

How dare you threaten me?

What's going on here? Pardon me, is—

I never thought it'd come to this.

I'm sorry.

It was nice meeting you.

It does feel like an MMO, doesn't it? With the quests and the objectives and stuff like that. It's like an offline MMO.

Hello, sir.

Hello, I'm Joe. I'm Al-Semi, and this is my potion shop. What can I help you with today?

Hmm, increased spell damage, aids in healing. May I get some of those?

A wonderful choice. I hope to see you again sometime.

After what Ranrok did to that goblin banker at Gringotts, I shouldn't be surprised at what happened to Auron. Not my fault you're a deadly great spider.

Let me open it.

Mm-mm.

Can I kill it?

No.

I'm hungry. I want to get food.

Past the ruins, I know you heard that. An incumbent.

This must be—

Hmm, looks as if there's more than one way to enter.

So this is what the main combat stuff must be like. I'm getting weird New World vibes from it. Can I jump over things?

No.

Maybe I can jump over the wall. No, why can't I jump over it? It's hard to jump because I put F as the button. Oh, you can jump over it.

I was only following orders. Leave your accusations in someone else's direction.

Can I shoot him from here?

Quite an enchantment. Thoughts are returning to me.

I won't rest until you're Whoa, why there's so many now? Went this way.

I died. I thought there's only 2. Restart.

Hmm?

They're not here anymore.

Okay.

Why do the enemies disappear if you die?

Ah!

Oh my God, there's so many.

Shame you're so foul.

So I guess this is what the, the main Part of the game is like running around the world killing stuff. Fascinating. I guess it could be a good time sink to kill some time. There's a lot of stuff to do in it. Oh, my back hurts. Wait, why am I back here?

Oh, I have good news. Your cards are— Ramro, I managed to—

I'm glad.

What a nice idea, Ron. I wish you—

Why don't you have a little peruse?

Appreciate you stopping by.

Be sure to visit me again, won't you?

How do I get the broom? I don't want to run everywhere.

They must have come this way.

Think!

I've no idea who it is you think I might have seen.

I've been busy with my research.

I do not have time to—

Victor Rookwood, don't give a damn.

Doxies nip back your time.

Oi, speak of the devil, Mr. Rookwood would like a word with you.

Yeah, maybe I have to go to Hogsmeade to buy it. I probably don't have enough money. What do I think of the game so far? Uh, I'm not sure. It's okay. The combat is kind of fiddly. I can't seem to block the spells quick enough. Oh, I died. I feel like there's too many buttons to press. Definitely better with a control pad, I think. You don't fight strategically. How? I'll watch the light go out of your eyes. All right, so nice and easy.

We can hold it off.

I'm not going anywhere.

You take this, you get off of my safe money!

I'm not done with you.

You're easier to soothe than a rumpus. Aha, back from It's hard pressing the number 4 button to get that spell. I keep having to look down to see where number 4 is. What on earth just happened?

I've never been accosted in such a manner, and so close to Hogwarts.

Are you all right?

I am, thanks in no small part to your courtesy.

You're a researcher?

No.

Merlin of the legend of King Arthur?

The very same.

Merlin attended Hogwarts, you know, and I'm studying some curious history. He left here centuries ago.

Fixtures?

These vine-covered pillars, dozens of them all around the area. I've taken to calling them the Trials of Merlin. I believe he created them as a diversion for his fellow—

I can—

I brought a trunk chock-full of mallows to eat with me. It's just Just over there by my tent.

This trunk?

Yes, take plenty, even if you already have some.

I have the mallowsweet.

Lovely.

Now notice the vines on these pillars here, as well as a stone swirl on the ground. Each trial has these features. Place the mallowsweet on the swirl. And we'll see what happens.

My word!

Did you see that?

The vines disappeared.

What should I do now?

Hmm.

This is uncharted territory.

Incendiate his mum and beard.

The flames make the I think—

curious, the pyres are back where they started.

Can I feel the transphobia in the game? No, there was a transgender woman in the Hogsmeade shop. But the, the main villain guy seems transphobic because he comes into the shop and he was like, I see this place isn't how it used to be, or something like that. Maybe he was saying something. He seems like a slave owner.

I take it we can call that a success.

We can indeed.

However, I now have even more questions. How does it work? I must review my notes. I may have missed something.

Are all of the trials like this one?

Oh, not precisely.

Well, I I think each has those telltale vines and the swirl on the ground. You should feel free to sort them as you come across them. I believe I have what I need to continue my research. My guess is that each will also require Marrow Suit, which you can find in Hogsmeade, should you—

And do be careful out here.

Now I've got what I needed, I shall return to the safety of my notes and books.

Oh, I can go invisible. Didn't know I had that. You can only use 4 spells at a time. What if I want to use the light thing? Where is it? Lumos. I want to use the light. I can't see.

Lumos. Revelio.

Lumos.

Uh, where do I go? Jesus, there's so many quests that I've missed. These are like level 2 quests. Go to Herbology class. Locate on map. I have to go all the way back to school. I think I can teleport. That's nice, you can teleport from anywhere. What can I have for lunch? All of the pork we bought, I think it was 2 Fridays ago, or was it last Friday? No, it was 2 Fridays ago. All the pork expired. Smells really bad. Should have put it in the freezer. She puts my bacon and sausages in the freezer. She doesn't put the big lump of pork that needs to be frozen if we're not gonna eat it straight away. Let's go shopping again. I don't know if we have any meat. We've got a lot of eggs.

Having a good adventure, are we?

Eggs and spaghetti. I don't have any sauce. I've got a lot of catch-up. Okay, we have to do herbology class. What are we gonna learn? I've seen this in the traders.

Good to see you again, Lenora dear.

Oh, here, you'll need these for today's class. Um, a little treat for your auntie.

Oh, hello class! Please welcome the newest rose in our garden. We do look forward to growing together.

My character looks so dumb.

Thrilling to have everyone back together again. This year will be filled with enchantment and excitement, but the most important thing cultivated in herbology is knowledge. The prudent herbologist is no more afraid of the venomous tentacular than the belting bong. Now then, today we will be acquainting ourselves—

My character looks like some kind of As the Mandrake Root. Bandit from Borderlands or something like that.

Let's see if we can't make our fibrous friends a bit more comfortable, shall we?

First, let's protect our ears.

Quickly, place your matrix in the new pot and pack down the soil.

The soil should envelop the root like a warm, dirty blanket, putting them Mandrake, right at ease.

Reparo!

I'm very sorry about that. Yours was a bit mature, I'm afraid. All right then, off you go. Splendid work, everyone!

Now for our next task.

See if I can make my character look better. The hat's good, it gives you 12 defense, makes you look stupid.

Hup!

I don't like my coat, I want to wear the normal coat. The robe, I mean. Oh, now I have hiccups. The glasses look stupid as well.

Hmm, I wonder if hippogriffs like—

Yes, Professor?

Firstly, well done with your mandrake.

They can be—

I'll say, I nearly went deaf.

Well, yes, of course, the cry of a mature mandragora can be fatal.

So now, as I meant, Let's see how to balance my star thistle arrangement. Niffler's fancy or roses?

Dittily's restorative properties make it a vital ingredient in the Wiggenmelt potion, as you all should know from Professor Sharp's class.

Oh, you can plant stuff. Ready in 10 minutes. Well done! The cabbage is due.

Yes, Professor.

Come back and see me when you're finished.

Hello.

Saw you on your way to Hogsmeade the other day.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Leander.

I'll be showing you the Chinese Chomping Cabbages. Up these stairs will take us there.

Up your lead.

Nice work in Defense Against the Dark Arts, by the way.

Excuse me?

Your duel with Sebastian! And he's good.

Huh, thinks he's really good. But you outright slaughtered him. It was brilliant.

Oh, well, thank you.

I nearly put Sebastian in his place myself.

I mean, I would have. Here we are, home of the Chinese—

Now, see that dummy? Just toss the cabbages at it, and they'll do the rest.

Look at that!

Now try commenting they can get there. mouths on. Mum planted some in her garden last year to keep the gnomes out.

Did save her the de-gnoming, but they left her honking daffodils in tatters.

Vicious little bastards, aren't they? My kind of plants. Not like stupid booper tubers and bouncing bulbs. The kind of plants that just have your back.

I suppose they could prove useful outside of the The greenhouse. Nothing wrong, it's—

Take your time.

I'll see you back in class.

And with that helpful reminder as to why we should always wear our dragon—

I—

Magical pull.

Revelio.

Incendio.

What are they eating? Uh, what do I do now? I'm gonna get to level 10 and then have a break for lunch. Quests, potions class.

This looks like the location from the painting.

Someone from the Ministry guarding the school.

Professor Black would never allow it.

Potions is one of the most challenging and hazardous subjects taught at this school. As 5th years, you will be required to reach new heights of both discipline and intellect. You will begin this term by brewing a Wiggenweld potion. Mr. Takkar, can you tell us why this particular potion might Yes, Professor Sharp.

The Wiggenweld Potion can be used to sterilize and even heal a variety of injuries.

It can heal some injuries, but not all. Points for Ravenclaw. Before today's class is completed, each of you will have brewed a Wiggenweld Potion of your own. You never know when you might need it.

Please begin.

Use a strong, even motion when crushing your ingredients. Please be meticulous when adding powder to your potions. One errant sneeze could be disastrous. I see most of you have not forgotten how to stir. Hmm, not an easy potion to brew. Well done. And from what I hear of your recent exploits in Hogsmeade— Proficiency in potions are two things that cannot—

My parents considered keeping me home from school this year after the rumors of a goblin rebellion.

Did I hear Professor Shaw say that you—

Oh my god, there's so much stupid talking. Come on, you barely play this game, so you're watching them talk all the time.

Your potions will not be—

Get the eggs, get the chest, um, get the feather. Where's the feather? Feather. Then go back to Talk to him, talk, and then make the potion. Brew a Duras potion. You have to wait 20 seconds. Why does it make you wait?

And now we add the mallow sweet.

And Professor Sharp must have learned a lot during his time as an Auror.

Wait, it's not supposed to— Dragon's Ark!

What happened?

Well done, Gareth.

Not now, Mr. Weasley.

Sorry, Professor.

That'll be points from Gryffindor again. Mr. Weasley did not do this on his own. His accomplice will answer to me as well.

I brewed an Edurus potion as you asked, Professor.

I'm surprised you had the time. You seemed rather busy helping Mr. Weasley.

I'm sorry, Professor. I was really—

Taking responsibility for one's actions. As for the work, I confess I was—

Now I reckon he's supposed to be like Snape. He looks like a wannabe Snape.

Had enough excitement for one day. Class is dismissed.

I was impressed I heard you were able to answer Professor Sharp's question about the wing. Oh, I'm glad I was able to get it right.

A fascinating language, by the way.

Sir Nicholas, our house ghost, is looking for you. You can find him near the Great Hall.

Revelio!

Lumos!

Oh, my robes are going to reap from Gary's inspiration for the rest of term. Don't fret if you run out of ingredients. I simply grow most of what I need.

Revelio!

What are you up to now?

Incendio! Revelio.

Incendio.

Lumos. Revelio.

Heal. Leviosa.

Cure.

Incendio! Incendio! Don't understand.

Incendio!

How do I know which number it has to be? What are these shapes on it? Why am I lagging? Oh, stupid. So this is 2, that's 4. Triangle is 1. Triangle is 1. So this must be No, the triangle is 1. Oh, there's 2 triangles. 3.

No!

Well, maybe jump. What does that do? Well, I can go down. Can I? Oh yeah.

Revelio. Ooh, jeweling gloves.

Wow, 20 offense, legendary, very nice. See, that's where you do the puzzles, I guess, to get the treasure chest. How nice to see you, my young friend. Hey, it's me, Gareth.

Do you have a moment?

That was an interesting class.

Thanks to you. Wasn't precisely what I had in mind, but it was still brilliant. I appreciate your help. I hope Sharp wasn't too disagreeable when you handed in your potion. Heard him talking about taking Responsibility.

I think I made lunch now. Too hungry. Two o'clock. I think I made ramen.

Oh.

Oh oh.

Oh, I got some search result views. Hogwarts Legacy character creation. The stream isn't over, not yet. I'm just making lunch.

Starving.

It is 2 PM. I think I'll stream until Maybe 6 PM. That'll give me 4 hours before she comes home. I can quickly make my second Do Not Buy review. I'm gonna make like 5 more videos. One of them has to get decent views. Come on, how can I be making videos about the most popular video game out right now, none of them get views? The hell is going on? I feel like the do not buy template, it's not working as well as it used to. I did do the do not buy the Insta360 X3 camera and it got 32K views. That's the kind of numbers I want to see for a Harry Potter video, like 20-30K views would be great. I can't even get 1K views. No, I'm not shadowbanned. My Dead Space review got 5K views and that was a week ago. For some reason I'm just not getting any search results. Usually on a popular trending topic like this you'd get search results. Why are people not searching for my Topics. YouTube search, 3%, and 37% of that was Expert Review Zone, not Hogwarts Legacy. I don't know why I don't seem to be getting Hogwarts Legacy traffic. Very frustrating. There's not much else I can do. I can do a why I hate Hogwarts Legacy, why I regret buying it, and maybe a second do not buy it. Throw everything in. I should have done why Elden Ring doesn't deserve Game of the Year. I need to wait for my noodles to cool down.

Professor Sharp was annoyed, but we sorted it out. No harm.

Cheers to that. He probably had a good chuckle after we left. Sharp may seem gruff, but I'd bet a few galleons he blew up a potion or two in his day. Best be off. Next time we talk, I promise fewer explosions.

Uh, you there! Uh, yes, you!

I want—

You wanted to see me? Wait, how do you know about the book and the next missing pages?

Word gets around amongst them. You were spotted with Mr. Sallow in the restricted section. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

If YouTube finds a way to stop negative clickbait from getting views, then I'm screwed. Negative clickbait is like my only way to get views. I feel like one day they're going to ban it or something. People are just drawn to negativity. People also react more strongly towards negative things.

I beg your pardon? Roast beef? Rotten roast beef?

That is correct! Rotten roast beef! If one flows through it just right, one can almost taste it.

Ah, I suppose I can do that. But why me?

Simple, my young friend. My ghostly form cannot carry it. Now, if you'd be so kind as to collect the roast beef, I shall explain everything else in due course. Ah, here we are. Tickle the pair and head on in.

Did you say tickle the pear?

Yes, in the painting. I'll wait right here.

I don't think dislikes actually do anything.

I'm already imagining the sweet aroma of rotten roast.

Although it would encourage people to try to make good videos if dislikes actually made the video get less views. Obtain roast beef.

Okay.

A student in the kitchen.

What could he want?

Yeah, he's using his feet on the beef. Foot beef. I need to get the unlock spell. Missing out on a lot of stuff.

It smells glorious in here. Here's some beef, but it's not rotten. I'd best keep looking.

Why does he want rotten beef? Why is it leaking liquid?

Incendio!

Funny if I could cook it with the fire spell. Why is all the food in the kitchen? Who's gonna eat all this? Where's the rotten beef?

Delicious.

Pardon me, but couldn't you point me to the rubbish?

None such.

Was just about The place to dispose of today's collection is towards the back.

Help yourself, I suppose. What did he say? I wasn't listening. Where's the rubbish? Oh, they live in these barrels. They teleport it to the main hall.

For you, a pumpkin pasty, perhaps some Welsh rabbit.

Sounds lovely, but what I really need is this rotten roast beef.

Ah, mix them, you didn't see.

Do you and the other households—

How does he eat food if he can't pick stuff up?

Not even houses. Elves can conjure food out of thin air. Food is one of the 5 principal exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration. Oh, we can, however, multiply it.

I watched the movies, but I don't really know about the lore or the history.

Then we send it straight up to the Great Hall.

Is it all right for students to wander into the kitchens?

Well, since you asked, students aren't supposed to be in the kitchens, but Finky doesn't mind. There's nothing that lifts Finky's spirits more than the company of students. We so rarely get visitors, and we have plenty of treats. Come back anytime you please.

Are there any restrictions as to what you can make here?

Think he supposes not. However, Herquin's pie has always been—

It's making me hungry, all this pie talk. I want a nice beef pie. Imagine finding pie in Thailand. I don't think I've ever seen a pie here. Why don't Asian countries like pie? Like a nice beef or chicken pie? They only seem to like pastry stuff.

No trouble, I take it?

Not at all. Finky sends her regards along with the rotten roast beef.

Ah, glad to hear it.

Kind elf. Now let's get that beef to Sir Patrick Delaney Podmore, and you'll be one step closer.

This is all rather cryptic, Sir Nicholas.

Terribly. Sir Patrick organizes the Headless Hunt, a group of head—

Headless?

Yes, you'll see. Anyway, I don't know how, but a member of that hunt, Richard Jackdaw— my plan is to take the Rotten Rose beef. Shall we?

I thought the rotten roast beef— It is!

You know what offering beef does?

Very—

Ah, what?

I need to eat my noodles. Uh, eating is so annoying. All my noodles are dry. I poured all the soup away. Tastes like nothing.

Do they always talk to you like that?

All in good fun. Once Sir Patrick lets me join the Headless Hunt, I'll be right there with them. This offering is sure to win him over.

Don't forget why I'm here, sir.

Rest assured, you'll have your information from young Jackdaw in no time, wherever he may be.

What I'd give for a flagon of mead or a nice leg of lamb right about now. Then this party would be complete.

How about the next best thing, Sir Patrick?

Ah, Sir Nicholas and a student.

What year was my profile pic? I think it was in 2018.

This is all very suspicious. What do you really want? As if I need to ask.

Um, it's Richard Jackdaw. Where can we find him?

Uh, may we speak to him?

Jackdaw, eh?

Why, here he is now. What a shame, without his head. I bet you've always wondered what You know what that's like, gaming?

Sir, you—

Yes?

It's bound to be around here somewhere, probably being used in a game. If you find it, I give you my permission to speak with him, my young model. It's the least I can do for you for bringing this putrescent gift home.

Uh, sir, there's another matter I wish to discuss with you, if I may.

Tut-tut, Sir Nicholas. How many times do I have to tell you? Our entry requirements are quite clear.

But sir, I—

Oh, we aren't the Headless except for a little bit of tendon hunt, after all. Now please, follow me and I shall help you find your way out.

Farewell, my young friend. Perhaps your luck with these chaps will be better than mine.

If the headsman could only see me now.

Ugh, disgusting. Worst noodles ever.

Huh?

The worst noodles I ever had.

Bleh.

Finish lunch. Okay, we got just under four hours to go. Oh, I feel sick.

Doesn't appear to. Be connected to the missing pages. Best hang on to it for now.

What does that mean? Well, it looks pretty nice at nighttime. The castle's all lit up. Very pretty game, I guess you could say.

Where'd I go?

Oh yeah, my girlfriend finally went to the hospital about her cough. They said she's got bronchitis. They gave her an inhaler with corticosteroids, antihistamine, and something else. Who will be next to play our little game of hide-and-seek amongst the pumpkins? Why did she wait four months of coughing every night to go to the hospital?

Sir Nicholas's young friend, has he abandoned you?

Not at all. I need to speak to Richard Jackdaw. Sir Patrick said his head might be around here somewhere.

Indeed, it might be.

Hmm.

It is a bit unorthodox to include a mortal, but if you do wish to speak with him. And she also got a HIV test for some reason. Guess she didn't trust me. Not just once, but five times. She said it was negative. So that means I don't have HIV either.

Why are you using Jackdaw's head for this game?

Well, if you must know, Jackdaw's our newest member.

So we like to put him through his paces.

If that's what I need to do to—

what was that sound? What do I do? Destroy pumpkins.

Whatever you say, Dumfrey.

This is not my finest Who would have thought a mortal would be so good at this?

You've almost got it.

She suspects you of cheating. Maybe, but what if I just used the condom and cheated? It's like women's logic again, isn't it? Oh, he doesn't have HIV, so it means he's not cheating. She was worried when we first Stops using condoms. She doesn't even know how many women I had sex with in the past few years. I told her I had a girlfriend a couple years ago and she was Dutch. I didn't tell her I slept with like 10 prostitutes in between then and had a couple Tinder flings. What do I do? Just destroy pumpkins or what? I'm not sure if she checks for other STDs or just HIV, because I want to know if, if Well, I guess people don't get chlamydia from me. I read that when you get chlamydia, you never lose it. You always have the virus dormant inside of you. So does that mean I can give it to people? I don't think it means that. Otherwise, I've probably given chlamydia to a bunch of people.

I've never seen—

Oh, what do I do? Destroy pumpkins. That's what I'm doing, but nothing's happening.

Destroy pumpkins.

Do I chase him? I think I have to follow him.

Revelio!

Oh yeah, it says this one.

Here we go again.

Revelio!

Of course, having only one served you well. Still, I believe congratulations are in order.

Not too bad for a mortal. Now say what you need to say to old Jackdaw here, hmm? You've earned it.

Nicely done.

But what's going on?

You're not a member.

No, I'm not. Sir Nicholas said you might know the location What's up with HIV?

Nothing, my girlfriend just got tested for HIV and it was negative.

I was not ready for what awaited me. The pages are likely still moldering away with my, uh, room.

The pages are why you lost your head, and I must visit Is it a cave and search for your corpse?

Yes.

Hmm, you think it's a— say, here's an idea. Why don't you meet me at the edge of the Forbidden Forest?

Did someone in the cave—

I was having a look around when I suddenly sensed a refreshing breeze.

Why would she test it? She said She was worried that maybe her symptoms are STD-related. Her coughing. I don't think any STD would make you cough unless you were giving a guy a BJ and then you inhaled his cum. I don't know. You got HIV in your lungs. Chlamydia in your lungs. Okay, next quest. Maybe we can go to the broomstick place. Can I buy a broomstick yet? I don't think that's how you get a broomstick. I'm guessing it would be in the sporting needs shop.

Lumos.

Ah, it's locked. Is it because it's nighttime? How do I pass time? Wait. Advance 2 days.

Yes.

Did she cough before meeting you? Yeah, she got COVID before meeting me, and then she was coughing a lot. It's still locked. Oh no, you don't have to wait until day. Why do I have to unlock it? I don't know. What quests do we have? I still want to get to level 10. I want the talents. I need the disarming charm before I can follow Richard. Expelliarmus. There's so many damn quests to do. I could do this one. Where is it? Didn't you ask if she had many sex partners? No, I don't think it's really important to ask girls stuff like that. I don't really want to know about her exes. It's not really gonna change anything if she said she had like 20 boyfriends. That would just make me feel weird, so I'd rather not ask and not know.

Were you calling me Gaz?

I was, after you helped me with That fupa feather and potion might be just the person I need.

Just the person I need.

Fizzing wispy-inspired beverage.

Blah blah blah.

You?

So I suspect the key ingredient—

I'd get them. I was hoping.

Sounds it.

Couldn't you?

They're not for sale. So.

Do do do do do do do.

I'll need to get those dried billywigs stained for Gareth if he's to finish his latest concoction.

Do be do do do.

That one-eyed witch statue shouldn't be too hard to find.

Find the statue. Okie dokie. And do what to it?

Whoa, nearly fell off.

Looks broken though.

Do I repair it? Where's repairer? It's like Japanese, isn't it? Repairo. Illumino incendo cardo. Go straighto, then righto, and repair. Do I find Emma Watson to be beautiful? No, she's like an ugly female version of Tyrion Lannister. You seen her nose and like a massive forehead? I don't know how she was so cute as a kid but then grew up to be so ugly. Saw her in a movie last night, had Seth Rogen James Franco, and the world had ended. They were trying to survive in a house. It's kind of gory. It was quite funny though. I don't really like Seth Rogen. I find him very unfunny. I don't like a lot of these American actors, like Jonah Hill. Basically any actor from that Superbad movie is just cringe. Michael Cera's He's in it. There's like a load of celebrities in the movie. Rihanna, I can't remember now. I don't like Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen. I think they think they— they seem like they think they're so funny, but they're not funny at all. I can't name a single Seth Rogen film. I He's like the most boring, uncharismatic actor I've ever seen. What do I do?

I think I could get it to work.

Lift it for one. Do I go under? I think I go on top, and then how do I make it go up? There's another movie we watched half of it. I think that was Jonah Hill, but it's like this fat Jewish guy who falls in love with a Black Muslim girl, and then they want to get married. But the Jewish guy's Jewish family doesn't get on with the black girl's Muslim family. And the whole movie is just them saying stuff like, oh, Jewish people that, and Muslim people this, and black people that. It's like all Americans think about all the time is just race and religion.

Maybe it's—

They're always just arguing and bickering about, oh, who's the bigger victim? Black people, Jewish people. The fuck do I do? Such an annoying movie. Wait, when I— oh, what do I do? Oh, it's moving up. Why is it— I don't understand. See, it is going up. Diamond Jumper school uniform. Yeah, that's what I like about Japan. They just get on with life and they talk about things that are not about race and color and skin and religion. all the time. America is just consumed by gender politics, racial politics. It's boring. Can't they just move on? Accept people are different. Why do they need to argue about who's better and who's worse? This really is like Elden Ring. Oh, I need to go down. It's like Elden Ring at the beginning of those dungeons with the elevator lifts. Am I going to study Thai? No, can't be bothered. I've got more important things to do. Oh, I made it.

I'm going to have to get past this.

Really?

Maybe I can jump. Prepare-o, and then lift-o. Why is it not working?